Even in Death There Is Paper Work

I know... I've been horrible about updating here. I haven't found a lot of personal time to write lately. I'm not particularly happy about this. I need to remind myself to write more often. It's therapeutic.

So, it seems that I have finally found a job. It's exactly what I was looking for in all. I'm working part-time in an office... and it's ridiculously low stress. It's perfect.

I wound up getting the job at the Italian Cemetery after all. I go to a lot of funerals. The one today sticks out more then any other funeral. Not because it was today... because that too makes sense. But because it was... rather sad. Only two people showed up. Because it was raining on and off, they decided to use a chapel instead of have the funeral at the grave site. It almost reminded me of the type of funeral you see in movies for the anti-hero.

I've also had the opportunity to see an Armenian funeral. So far, I think I appreciate Sicilian funerals the best.

The one thing that I have learned (at least so far) is that there is a lot of paper work in the funerary business. Unfortunately, even after death, there is a paper trail.

It's Been a Bit...

And I apologize for not being as prompt on the whole posting thing. Last week was... interesting to say the least.

Monday I let loose information that I probably shouldn't have... but didn't realize that it wasn't known by the other individual. I gave up an entire night to help pacify this guy... me and a mutual friend. He then, somehow saw the posting she made calling him nuts and a stalker.

And then he came over here last night and spent the night... *sigh*

Two people need to be beaten with a clue by four. The only reason she wanted to get back together with him in the first place is because she didn't want to be alone. She had expectation about the new relationship she never talked to the other guy about. Talk about teh lame. Then she started trying to get back together with her ex... *shakes head*

I thought I got rid of the overall uncomfortableness of this situation. So, I'm left with a second entirely volatile place. The funny thing is, they were arguing again.

And I got some awesome news on Friday.

I got a call from the Italian Cemetery. Originally they had said they were going to go with someone else. Apparently that didn't work out. And from what I was being asked, I presume that they didn't have the Excel knowledge that they were looking for. Luckily enough, I do... or I can ask someone who does know more then me.

So, I'm in a more ideal job for me to go back to school. I'm thinking of applying for Winter/Spring semester with USF next year.^-^

"So Much I Let This End..."

And strangely enough... out of the squicky feelings that I get about knowing that an ex-SO could possibly try to have any sort of touch on my life via Facebook... because I don't use my legal name there and the picture I use is the same as the one here. I started feeling pure unadulterated joy after my interview yesterday.

I'm not even sure where this came from.

But something my SO told me, "Don't worry about where it's coming from. Just enjoy it."

And I am. I like this feeling. I feel so happy and am ready to see what else life has in store for me.

Squicky Feelings

I didn't think there were many things in my past that makes me just feel... well, bad. I think I learned something that hits a certain amount of sadness in me.

I have an ex-boyfriend that I broke up with. I had to. It felt like the relationship was about him... and that's about it. If I didn't cater to what he wanted he would make me feel bad about myself.

And every time I hear his name a part of me just feels sad. I don't know what it is... but it's something.

Maybe it's the fact that I know that I've grown so much in the 5+ years it's been since we've been together... and for him, not so much. The last I've heard, he's cheating on his girlfriend with someone else who happens to be married. *sigh* Not exactly ethical non-monogamy. So, there's lying and cheating all the way around. And in so many ways I'm glad I'm nowhere near that train wreck waiting to happen.

What I don't get is how everyone can allow themselves to be so snowed by him. That the bravado and confidence they see isn't real. And that's something I've learned from being in a relationship with him...

Or maybe the feeling I get is a knee-jerk reaction. I can mentally remember what it was like to be in a relationship with him. What it was like to feel so alone because he would force away my friends. What gets to me most was the fact that I was never valued. I never got any compliments from him. This went on for so long, that to this day I truly appreciate anything good said about me. Because, in that relationship, all I heard was what was wrong with me. Why no one else liked me. Never heard anything positive.

And even think about being back in that situation turns my stomach. I feel sick and just sad that I left myself in that situation.

If there's one thing I can take solace in, it's that I know that I made the right decision. I may have made it for some of the wrong reasons. The relationship wouldn't have survived anyways... I was going in one direction and he just wanted everything to stay the way it was. But in the end I know it was the right decision. Leaving him allowed me to bloom and grow. I found an identity just for me.

Lost and Found

This week has been interesting. This is the first time I can say that and not have it be like the Chinese proverb.

I had a rather slow week as far as interviews and such go. I had a phone interview and I got a call for a face to face interview on Friday. I'll extrapolate on that later.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day. Now, I love going out for St. Paddy's day and get some Irish food. I found a place in Mountain View that looked like it actually served a lot of Irish pub food. However, it was St. Patrick's Day. That means you get a ridiculous amount of people out to drink copious amounts of green beer and that's about it.

So, instead of Irish food we started looking for other places to go. We wound up at a place called Xanh. It was Vietnamese Tapas. My God, was it good. The food was amazing. They had great martinis as well. There was one called the Fortune Cookie. It's a chocolate martini with crumbled up fortune cookie on the rim of the glass. It tasted amazing. I could certainly go for another one of those.

I was looking for a shirt of my SO's that was appropriately green for the day. For the life of me I could not find it. We looked all over the room and couldn't find it. The same thing happened to our mail key. I searched everywhere... in all the pockets and I just couldn't find it.

So, Thursday I'm sitting around online. I found a good friend of mine that I met at Burning Man back in 2005. I hadn't talked to him in a couple of years. It was great to finally get to be back in contact with someone who I was quite close with.

The next day, as I was getting ready for my interview at a cemetery I wound up finding two other things: 1)the green shirt we were looking for everywhere in the bedroom, and 2)the mail key that had been missing for like a week. Like out of nowhere these things just showed up.

I then went to my interview. The men I interviewed with were really friendly. It was a really good interview. One of the guys said I had a beautiful personality and sounded like he wanted to hire me on the spot. So, I'm hoping that this pans out for me.

This has been an awesome and interesting week...

精神力

The kanji above reads seishinryouku. It's an interesting phrase that means strength of mind.

There's something awesome about strong-headed women. They know what they want. They're willing to do the what is needed to get there. And they're willing to fight for it, if needs be.

And that is a truly wonderful trait to have.

I think I have grown to be more seishinryouku. I have also been a bit stubborn. I have made a lot of changes in my life. And I think I've learned to have a strength of mind and will.

((the above image is of Lady Tenshoin of the Tokugawa as played by Miyazaki Aoi in the NHK Taiga drama Atsuhime. Lady Tenshoin stood strongly as Japan decided to get rid of the Shogunate and restore power to the emperor.))

Yesterday Just Plain Sucked

There isn't a whole lot going on right now...

Got some Wii Fit done. My Wii Fit age seems to be staying around 25. I'd like to get it back down to 20. But considering I'm 29, I'm quite pleased with that number.

I'm still remaining hopeful that something will come up. I'm just not thinking it's going to happen. I get these feelings like it is only to be horribly let down.

I'm thinking that my roommate is passive-aggressively letting me know that she's probably going to move out. In a lot of ways, that's perfectly fine. I honestly don't think she places any value on me as a friend. At least that's how it comes across. Maybe it's because I'm the person who actually talks about and deals with problems. She never actually discussed lowering her rent with my SO, she just did it. So, being communicative, not exactly a strong suit.

Yesterday I totally broke down. I'd like to think that I'm a stronger person. I also like to think that I'm a nice person and one who has a good soul. For some reason I just didn't feel it last night. I just started crying for a while. I felt like crepe. And to a certain degree I still do. I think we've figured out a good portion of the problem though, I spend too much time around negative people. I think my SO and myself have come to the conclusion that I need a vacation from the apartment.

I think my problem is that I have a hard time being around people who essentially create their own problems. My roommate is one of those people. She doesn't talk about the problems she's having, trying to get some form of resolve from it. Which is why a lot of her relationships end badly. She's dating someone who smokes and doesn't maintain her ideal of good hygiene. Which, according to her are two deal breakers... so, I think you get a good idea where I'm at.

I hear her complain about him a lot. Or, when he's over, she complains about where he lives. Which means that she has him over a lot. I don't mind having him over, but when they're together I get this crushing negative feeling. One where I just simply do not want to be home anymore. I know I can't deal with this anymore.

Luckily enough, we need to re-negotiate rent at the end of this month. We're going to bump her rent to 40% from the 28% she's been paying (the original amount we agreed upon was 33% which I think she's paid like twice).

*sigh* I know, this sounds all fairly vitriolic. And to a certain degree, I feel that way. I think that the friendship is better off with us just not living together. I like here when I don't have to deal with living together. I'm certain that this happens to a lot of people. You never know someone until you live with them.