"So Much I Let This End..."

And strangely enough... out of the squicky feelings that I get about knowing that an ex-SO could possibly try to have any sort of touch on my life via Facebook... because I don't use my legal name there and the picture I use is the same as the one here. I started feeling pure unadulterated joy after my interview yesterday.

I'm not even sure where this came from.

But something my SO told me, "Don't worry about where it's coming from. Just enjoy it."

And I am. I like this feeling. I feel so happy and am ready to see what else life has in store for me.

Squicky Feelings

I didn't think there were many things in my past that makes me just feel... well, bad. I think I learned something that hits a certain amount of sadness in me.

I have an ex-boyfriend that I broke up with. I had to. It felt like the relationship was about him... and that's about it. If I didn't cater to what he wanted he would make me feel bad about myself.

And every time I hear his name a part of me just feels sad. I don't know what it is... but it's something.

Maybe it's the fact that I know that I've grown so much in the 5+ years it's been since we've been together... and for him, not so much. The last I've heard, he's cheating on his girlfriend with someone else who happens to be married. *sigh* Not exactly ethical non-monogamy. So, there's lying and cheating all the way around. And in so many ways I'm glad I'm nowhere near that train wreck waiting to happen.

What I don't get is how everyone can allow themselves to be so snowed by him. That the bravado and confidence they see isn't real. And that's something I've learned from being in a relationship with him...

Or maybe the feeling I get is a knee-jerk reaction. I can mentally remember what it was like to be in a relationship with him. What it was like to feel so alone because he would force away my friends. What gets to me most was the fact that I was never valued. I never got any compliments from him. This went on for so long, that to this day I truly appreciate anything good said about me. Because, in that relationship, all I heard was what was wrong with me. Why no one else liked me. Never heard anything positive.

And even think about being back in that situation turns my stomach. I feel sick and just sad that I left myself in that situation.

If there's one thing I can take solace in, it's that I know that I made the right decision. I may have made it for some of the wrong reasons. The relationship wouldn't have survived anyways... I was going in one direction and he just wanted everything to stay the way it was. But in the end I know it was the right decision. Leaving him allowed me to bloom and grow. I found an identity just for me.

Lost and Found

This week has been interesting. This is the first time I can say that and not have it be like the Chinese proverb.

I had a rather slow week as far as interviews and such go. I had a phone interview and I got a call for a face to face interview on Friday. I'll extrapolate on that later.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day. Now, I love going out for St. Paddy's day and get some Irish food. I found a place in Mountain View that looked like it actually served a lot of Irish pub food. However, it was St. Patrick's Day. That means you get a ridiculous amount of people out to drink copious amounts of green beer and that's about it.

So, instead of Irish food we started looking for other places to go. We wound up at a place called Xanh. It was Vietnamese Tapas. My God, was it good. The food was amazing. They had great martinis as well. There was one called the Fortune Cookie. It's a chocolate martini with crumbled up fortune cookie on the rim of the glass. It tasted amazing. I could certainly go for another one of those.

I was looking for a shirt of my SO's that was appropriately green for the day. For the life of me I could not find it. We looked all over the room and couldn't find it. The same thing happened to our mail key. I searched everywhere... in all the pockets and I just couldn't find it.

So, Thursday I'm sitting around online. I found a good friend of mine that I met at Burning Man back in 2005. I hadn't talked to him in a couple of years. It was great to finally get to be back in contact with someone who I was quite close with.

The next day, as I was getting ready for my interview at a cemetery I wound up finding two other things: 1)the green shirt we were looking for everywhere in the bedroom, and 2)the mail key that had been missing for like a week. Like out of nowhere these things just showed up.

I then went to my interview. The men I interviewed with were really friendly. It was a really good interview. One of the guys said I had a beautiful personality and sounded like he wanted to hire me on the spot. So, I'm hoping that this pans out for me.

This has been an awesome and interesting week...

精神力

The kanji above reads seishinryouku. It's an interesting phrase that means strength of mind.

There's something awesome about strong-headed women. They know what they want. They're willing to do the what is needed to get there. And they're willing to fight for it, if needs be.

And that is a truly wonderful trait to have.

I think I have grown to be more seishinryouku. I have also been a bit stubborn. I have made a lot of changes in my life. And I think I've learned to have a strength of mind and will.

((the above image is of Lady Tenshoin of the Tokugawa as played by Miyazaki Aoi in the NHK Taiga drama Atsuhime. Lady Tenshoin stood strongly as Japan decided to get rid of the Shogunate and restore power to the emperor.))

Yesterday Just Plain Sucked

There isn't a whole lot going on right now...

Got some Wii Fit done. My Wii Fit age seems to be staying around 25. I'd like to get it back down to 20. But considering I'm 29, I'm quite pleased with that number.

I'm still remaining hopeful that something will come up. I'm just not thinking it's going to happen. I get these feelings like it is only to be horribly let down.

I'm thinking that my roommate is passive-aggressively letting me know that she's probably going to move out. In a lot of ways, that's perfectly fine. I honestly don't think she places any value on me as a friend. At least that's how it comes across. Maybe it's because I'm the person who actually talks about and deals with problems. She never actually discussed lowering her rent with my SO, she just did it. So, being communicative, not exactly a strong suit.

Yesterday I totally broke down. I'd like to think that I'm a stronger person. I also like to think that I'm a nice person and one who has a good soul. For some reason I just didn't feel it last night. I just started crying for a while. I felt like crepe. And to a certain degree I still do. I think we've figured out a good portion of the problem though, I spend too much time around negative people. I think my SO and myself have come to the conclusion that I need a vacation from the apartment.

I think my problem is that I have a hard time being around people who essentially create their own problems. My roommate is one of those people. She doesn't talk about the problems she's having, trying to get some form of resolve from it. Which is why a lot of her relationships end badly. She's dating someone who smokes and doesn't maintain her ideal of good hygiene. Which, according to her are two deal breakers... so, I think you get a good idea where I'm at.

I hear her complain about him a lot. Or, when he's over, she complains about where he lives. Which means that she has him over a lot. I don't mind having him over, but when they're together I get this crushing negative feeling. One where I just simply do not want to be home anymore. I know I can't deal with this anymore.

Luckily enough, we need to re-negotiate rent at the end of this month. We're going to bump her rent to 40% from the 28% she's been paying (the original amount we agreed upon was 33% which I think she's paid like twice).

*sigh* I know, this sounds all fairly vitriolic. And to a certain degree, I feel that way. I think that the friendship is better off with us just not living together. I like here when I don't have to deal with living together. I'm certain that this happens to a lot of people. You never know someone until you live with them.

Some Days it Doesn't Pay to Chew Through the Leather Straps in the Morning

I'm having one of those days where I feel frustrated with myself. I'm upset that I haven't been hired by anyone yet, despite looking for about a month or so. I'm frustrated with the roomy. She's not paying her fair share (28% when she has 1 of two rooms). And I'm the one who does the dishes and the cleaning. I know, this is something that I complain about often. It's a problem. But it's also something that e can't currently do anything about. That frustrates me. It frustrates me to no end.

That being said, at least I got a bit of good news. We were expecting the rent to go up at the end of this month... and thankfully it's not.

I'm still sending out resumes right and left to get an office assistant job (even though I'm a bit over experienced for that). It's not something that I want to do. It is something that I need to do. I understand that. But I can't not contribute to the household. I know my SO would tell me that I am by cleaning and making food.

I also did get to see the Watchmen this weekend. The SO and I had a nice date night. We had dinner in Japantown and then went to see the Watchmen at the Sundance Kabuki.

I really like that movie theatre. After 4 PM the third floor is 21+ because it becomes a bar with movie theatres at that point. The bar is a bit overpriced ($7 for an appletini). It's no more overpriced then a lot of clubs in the city.

The movie itself was actually quite good. I have some quibbles, that I won't get into here. I'm not sure how many people want to see it but haven't yet. I wish that there was more Rorscach like there was in the movie. It's part of what I liked about the graphic novel. You actually empathize with Rorscach and Dr. Manhattan.

Given the amount of time that they had to do a pretty long and intricate story, I'm not going to complain.

There Are These Moments...

Where I almost wish that the movie had been out longer then it has.

I just finished reading the Watchmene graphic novel. It was actually quite good. I enjoyed it a lot. But now I'm left with the feeling that I want to see the movie.

The downside is that it's probably going to be sold out all weekend.

But instead of being upset about it, instead I'm planning on going to the Comic Book Art Museum in San Francisco and see the Watchmen exhibit. It'll be neat to see all the development stuff. We also might peak at the 25 years of Usagi Yojimbo exhibit.

Maybe if I'm lucky I might get to see Watchmen this weekend.^-^

Another Productive Day...

It feels as though I got a lot done today. I got out some more resumes (something that I try to do on a daily basis). I got some Wii Fit time in there (almost an hour of it). I'm actually a bit proud of myself as far as my weight is concerned. I was sick for two weeks and my body ached too much move let alone do some Wii Fit (a by product of the Mono that I had a few years ago I guess). So, that left me pretty sedentary. And I also started PMSing at the same time. I usually put on a few lbs during my period.

Not only did I not put on any weight. I'm loosing it. This makes me very happy. I usually have problems with loosing weight during my period. The fact that I'm still managing to do so makes me very happy.^-^

I also managed to clean up the apartment as well. So, now I'm taking a well needed break.

*phew*All in all, I think I've gotten a lot done today.

Time Keeps Rolling Along

As time goes on... it seems almost as though one day rolls into another. Eventually, at some point, I don't even remember what day of the week it's supposed to be.

I think I'm at that point of joblessness where you cease to appreciate time the same way. I must say, I'm not a big fan of it. I would rather go back to work.

But I keep plugging away, hoping that I can get a decent job (or at least a decent paying job).

I ran into a friend of mine that I haven't seen in about a year or so at Death Guild on Monday. That was nice. I had left him some things at the camp he was with. It was good to hear that he got them.

But other then that, there isn't much else to talk about. I'm getting interviews... and that's all nice. It would be nice if I have a good interview and they give me a job. I keep hoping for that. I'm trying not to give up hope but as each month passes it becomes increasingly difficult to have that hope. But I try to be cautiously optimistic.

"Well, I like Normal Women."

I've finally managed to kill the Peruvian Death Cold(tm). It took two weeks to stop my body from aching, getting rid of my sore throat and stopping from coughing up a lung. it was not fun. I would most definitely suggest avoiding it any and all cost. It was horrible.

When I get sick, I try to get rid of it ASAP. So, what that usually entails is going out to a club and dancing. Sweating it out usually helps with cutting the duration in half, normally. It didn't quite work this time. Last week was fun and a bit busy. We went to Death Guild Monday night. I did a fair amount of dancing, but didn't really get dressed up at all for any of the clubs I went to. My body felt really tired. I danced as much as I could.

Thursday we went to Meat. I danced less for that namely because it was hard to breathe. I felt as though I had just quit smoking again. I didn't have much lung capacity. I think it's because I was still coughing up crud.

Saturday night we wound up at the Burnal Equinox party in San Francisco. We were there for a few hours and did a lot of walking around. I was dressed in my cyber samurai outfit (one that I need prefect better). Honestly, as far as Burning Man parties go... I wasn't impressed. Usually there are performances and may interactive artwork. But not so much at this. I got to see a trailer for the Watchmen. That was kind of neat. Other then that it was pretty much musicians and over-priced drinks (even by San Francisco club standards).

Sunday was spent wander around Wondercon all day. That was a lot of fun.

Ran into some good friends. We got to hang out all day. Wander around the ginormous vendor room in Moscone Center. I got to meet David Mack (he drew the picture above). This was huge for me. I've been a huge fan of Kabuki. It's the first comic book series that I've always tried to keep up with when I could afford to. The art works is amazing. And as the story progresses and time goes on, it becomes more and more amazing.

I told him that I appreciated how he didn't take the route of making women with tiny waists and big breasts. I appreciate the fact that his women looked normal. And he responded with the quote that I put in the title. He was very friendly. And he loves to please his fans. That was amazing. I got to pick up the latest Kabuki trade... the limited edition one. It's also has a relatively low number (for any collector's out there, you know the value of that).

My SO got to meet the creator of one his favourite comic book series, Usagi Yojimbo. I think all in all he had a geek day in heaven. It probably would be even better if he could have talked to Blair Butler (G4's resident comic book geek). There was some pretty awesome celebrities there as well. I was impressed. They had Carrie Fisher and Mark Hammil there (I had such a *huge* crush on Luke Skywalker when I was a kid). They also had Adam West there. We wanted to have him sign something Family Guy related but the line was insanely long.

Richard Keele was also there. I wish I could have talked to him about Eegah. Most people know him as Jaws from the Bond movies. I know him as Eegah. I wanted to ask what it was like making a movie with Arch Hall, Jr. and Sr.

I think I walked around that hall for 3 hours. And I'm proud of my expenditures. I only wound up getting the limited edition Kabuki. I found a lot of things that I wanted, but I know that I couldn't afford to buy too much.

We topped it off with watching a panel called Spaceship Smack-Down. That was actually more amusing then I thought it would be. At one point they had Capt. Jack Aubrey in charge of the Klingon warship (or whatever it's called). I think I was the only one who got it and laughed. It was actually quite interesting... more then I thought it would be.

All in all, it was a nice weekend. And I am thankful to be feeling better.