Squicky Feelings

I didn't think there were many things in my past that makes me just feel... well, bad. I think I learned something that hits a certain amount of sadness in me.

I have an ex-boyfriend that I broke up with. I had to. It felt like the relationship was about him... and that's about it. If I didn't cater to what he wanted he would make me feel bad about myself.

And every time I hear his name a part of me just feels sad. I don't know what it is... but it's something.

Maybe it's the fact that I know that I've grown so much in the 5+ years it's been since we've been together... and for him, not so much. The last I've heard, he's cheating on his girlfriend with someone else who happens to be married. *sigh* Not exactly ethical non-monogamy. So, there's lying and cheating all the way around. And in so many ways I'm glad I'm nowhere near that train wreck waiting to happen.

What I don't get is how everyone can allow themselves to be so snowed by him. That the bravado and confidence they see isn't real. And that's something I've learned from being in a relationship with him...

Or maybe the feeling I get is a knee-jerk reaction. I can mentally remember what it was like to be in a relationship with him. What it was like to feel so alone because he would force away my friends. What gets to me most was the fact that I was never valued. I never got any compliments from him. This went on for so long, that to this day I truly appreciate anything good said about me. Because, in that relationship, all I heard was what was wrong with me. Why no one else liked me. Never heard anything positive.

And even think about being back in that situation turns my stomach. I feel sick and just sad that I left myself in that situation.

If there's one thing I can take solace in, it's that I know that I made the right decision. I may have made it for some of the wrong reasons. The relationship wouldn't have survived anyways... I was going in one direction and he just wanted everything to stay the way it was. But in the end I know it was the right decision. Leaving him allowed me to bloom and grow. I found an identity just for me.