An Interesting Dichotomy

I guess this really isn't about a dichotomy per se so much as it's about something that's been hard for me to come to turns with.


It's been sometime since I've even thought about it in this way. I look back on almost all of my previous relationships (previous being before I took time to learn more about myself, with one very striking exception whom I still like to keep in contact with) with a certain amount of pride. Not so much pride over being in horrible, abusive and maligned relationships, but the fact that I found strength within myself to break free of such an awful cycle.

I realize that I'm still pretty sensitive to watching people go through this kind of... well, torment. If I have a friend who seems to be also caught in this cycle I tell them to get out of it and fast. Of course, usually when one says something about it, they usually play it off as it's not happening to them... that natural. I used to say that I wasn't in an abusive relationship when, in hindsight, I really was.

I thought I'd gotten past a lot of the mental squick over people who are controlling and forceful in all things, especially romantic relationships...

Then I started watching Nana.

Now, granted, I had read the manga. I'm still awaiting the latest volume. And I knew and understood that Takumi was a controlling manipulative bastard. It's pretty easy to separate yourself from it when it's words on a page. I can put that distance between my personal experience and manga.

But watching it is different. It's harder. It's harder to hear some of the same things said again. Even if it's not said to me, it still hits this incredibly sore spot within me. It makes me cringe and weep. And while my life wasn't *this* melodramatic... it wasn't too far off either. Having him tell me that he didn't want me belonging to any other guy and speaking for me because I felt far too broken to speak for myself. The best show of this is episode 32 of Nana.NANA Episode 32

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Watching this brought all that back again in technicolor. While most times I can look back at it and look at it as a moment of personal strength, when hearing the same words again... it's just harder.

While I've come so far, there are certain things that hurt. Maybe that's why I have issues when it comes to dominance/submission relationships. I have a hard time being submissive. I think that's because I let someone subsume me so completely and wholly... I have problems letting someone do that to me again. Maybe that's because of having someone (actually someones, but who's counting) do that to me... all the time. I don't want to be caught in the same cycle. I can't let myself be caught in that cycle.

All I know is that I have to take all of that and leave it far behind. Keep looking at it as a moment where I overcame and became stronger as opposed to a moment that I allowed myself to be beaten in to someone else's submission.