An Interesting Dichotomy

I guess this really isn't about a dichotomy per se so much as it's about something that's been hard for me to come to turns with.


It's been sometime since I've even thought about it in this way. I look back on almost all of my previous relationships (previous being before I took time to learn more about myself, with one very striking exception whom I still like to keep in contact with) with a certain amount of pride. Not so much pride over being in horrible, abusive and maligned relationships, but the fact that I found strength within myself to break free of such an awful cycle.

I realize that I'm still pretty sensitive to watching people go through this kind of... well, torment. If I have a friend who seems to be also caught in this cycle I tell them to get out of it and fast. Of course, usually when one says something about it, they usually play it off as it's not happening to them... that natural. I used to say that I wasn't in an abusive relationship when, in hindsight, I really was.

I thought I'd gotten past a lot of the mental squick over people who are controlling and forceful in all things, especially romantic relationships...

Then I started watching Nana.

Now, granted, I had read the manga. I'm still awaiting the latest volume. And I knew and understood that Takumi was a controlling manipulative bastard. It's pretty easy to separate yourself from it when it's words on a page. I can put that distance between my personal experience and manga.

But watching it is different. It's harder. It's harder to hear some of the same things said again. Even if it's not said to me, it still hits this incredibly sore spot within me. It makes me cringe and weep. And while my life wasn't *this* melodramatic... it wasn't too far off either. Having him tell me that he didn't want me belonging to any other guy and speaking for me because I felt far too broken to speak for myself. The best show of this is episode 32 of Nana.NANA Episode 32

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Watching this brought all that back again in technicolor. While most times I can look back at it and look at it as a moment of personal strength, when hearing the same words again... it's just harder.

While I've come so far, there are certain things that hurt. Maybe that's why I have issues when it comes to dominance/submission relationships. I have a hard time being submissive. I think that's because I let someone subsume me so completely and wholly... I have problems letting someone do that to me again. Maybe that's because of having someone (actually someones, but who's counting) do that to me... all the time. I don't want to be caught in the same cycle. I can't let myself be caught in that cycle.

All I know is that I have to take all of that and leave it far behind. Keep looking at it as a moment where I overcame and became stronger as opposed to a moment that I allowed myself to be beaten in to someone else's submission.

...It's Been Some Time

I know, I'm bad about actually posting in here.

Well, I finally have some time to post something.

Well, unfortunately I post with a bit of bad news.

At the end of July I will no longer be gainfully employed.:( And as bad as I should be taking this, I kinda already knew this was coming. In a lot of ways, I feel like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders. It's something that I wasn't sure if it was coming or not.

This is the downside of working at a non-profit. Oftentimes they have a board of directors. More times then not, they don't do what would be in the best interest of the staff. This is the case. The general manager is not happy with this decision. He even said that if there's anything they can do to help me, they'll do it.

This is, in oh so many ways, a good thing.

I feel like this time around that I have a more stable footing for getting a job. Much better then my last job. I also feel much better about my job performance at the cemetery. I'm apparently a very valuable asset (the only other person who can do one of the co-workers job), and loosing me might be very problematic.

The unfortunate problem is they're loosing me for someone who's supposed to be doing outside sales.0_0

Oh well, that's the way it goes right?

At least I know that I as valued (a huge plus over my last job) and that I will be missed.

Now I get to delve back through many a classified in order to find a new job.

Even in Death There Is Paper Work

I know... I've been horrible about updating here. I haven't found a lot of personal time to write lately. I'm not particularly happy about this. I need to remind myself to write more often. It's therapeutic.

So, it seems that I have finally found a job. It's exactly what I was looking for in all. I'm working part-time in an office... and it's ridiculously low stress. It's perfect.

I wound up getting the job at the Italian Cemetery after all. I go to a lot of funerals. The one today sticks out more then any other funeral. Not because it was today... because that too makes sense. But because it was... rather sad. Only two people showed up. Because it was raining on and off, they decided to use a chapel instead of have the funeral at the grave site. It almost reminded me of the type of funeral you see in movies for the anti-hero.

I've also had the opportunity to see an Armenian funeral. So far, I think I appreciate Sicilian funerals the best.

The one thing that I have learned (at least so far) is that there is a lot of paper work in the funerary business. Unfortunately, even after death, there is a paper trail.

It's Been a Bit...

And I apologize for not being as prompt on the whole posting thing. Last week was... interesting to say the least.

Monday I let loose information that I probably shouldn't have... but didn't realize that it wasn't known by the other individual. I gave up an entire night to help pacify this guy... me and a mutual friend. He then, somehow saw the posting she made calling him nuts and a stalker.

And then he came over here last night and spent the night... *sigh*

Two people need to be beaten with a clue by four. The only reason she wanted to get back together with him in the first place is because she didn't want to be alone. She had expectation about the new relationship she never talked to the other guy about. Talk about teh lame. Then she started trying to get back together with her ex... *shakes head*

I thought I got rid of the overall uncomfortableness of this situation. So, I'm left with a second entirely volatile place. The funny thing is, they were arguing again.

And I got some awesome news on Friday.

I got a call from the Italian Cemetery. Originally they had said they were going to go with someone else. Apparently that didn't work out. And from what I was being asked, I presume that they didn't have the Excel knowledge that they were looking for. Luckily enough, I do... or I can ask someone who does know more then me.

So, I'm in a more ideal job for me to go back to school. I'm thinking of applying for Winter/Spring semester with USF next year.^-^

"So Much I Let This End..."

And strangely enough... out of the squicky feelings that I get about knowing that an ex-SO could possibly try to have any sort of touch on my life via Facebook... because I don't use my legal name there and the picture I use is the same as the one here. I started feeling pure unadulterated joy after my interview yesterday.

I'm not even sure where this came from.

But something my SO told me, "Don't worry about where it's coming from. Just enjoy it."

And I am. I like this feeling. I feel so happy and am ready to see what else life has in store for me.

Squicky Feelings

I didn't think there were many things in my past that makes me just feel... well, bad. I think I learned something that hits a certain amount of sadness in me.

I have an ex-boyfriend that I broke up with. I had to. It felt like the relationship was about him... and that's about it. If I didn't cater to what he wanted he would make me feel bad about myself.

And every time I hear his name a part of me just feels sad. I don't know what it is... but it's something.

Maybe it's the fact that I know that I've grown so much in the 5+ years it's been since we've been together... and for him, not so much. The last I've heard, he's cheating on his girlfriend with someone else who happens to be married. *sigh* Not exactly ethical non-monogamy. So, there's lying and cheating all the way around. And in so many ways I'm glad I'm nowhere near that train wreck waiting to happen.

What I don't get is how everyone can allow themselves to be so snowed by him. That the bravado and confidence they see isn't real. And that's something I've learned from being in a relationship with him...

Or maybe the feeling I get is a knee-jerk reaction. I can mentally remember what it was like to be in a relationship with him. What it was like to feel so alone because he would force away my friends. What gets to me most was the fact that I was never valued. I never got any compliments from him. This went on for so long, that to this day I truly appreciate anything good said about me. Because, in that relationship, all I heard was what was wrong with me. Why no one else liked me. Never heard anything positive.

And even think about being back in that situation turns my stomach. I feel sick and just sad that I left myself in that situation.

If there's one thing I can take solace in, it's that I know that I made the right decision. I may have made it for some of the wrong reasons. The relationship wouldn't have survived anyways... I was going in one direction and he just wanted everything to stay the way it was. But in the end I know it was the right decision. Leaving him allowed me to bloom and grow. I found an identity just for me.

Lost and Found

This week has been interesting. This is the first time I can say that and not have it be like the Chinese proverb.

I had a rather slow week as far as interviews and such go. I had a phone interview and I got a call for a face to face interview on Friday. I'll extrapolate on that later.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day. Now, I love going out for St. Paddy's day and get some Irish food. I found a place in Mountain View that looked like it actually served a lot of Irish pub food. However, it was St. Patrick's Day. That means you get a ridiculous amount of people out to drink copious amounts of green beer and that's about it.

So, instead of Irish food we started looking for other places to go. We wound up at a place called Xanh. It was Vietnamese Tapas. My God, was it good. The food was amazing. They had great martinis as well. There was one called the Fortune Cookie. It's a chocolate martini with crumbled up fortune cookie on the rim of the glass. It tasted amazing. I could certainly go for another one of those.

I was looking for a shirt of my SO's that was appropriately green for the day. For the life of me I could not find it. We looked all over the room and couldn't find it. The same thing happened to our mail key. I searched everywhere... in all the pockets and I just couldn't find it.

So, Thursday I'm sitting around online. I found a good friend of mine that I met at Burning Man back in 2005. I hadn't talked to him in a couple of years. It was great to finally get to be back in contact with someone who I was quite close with.

The next day, as I was getting ready for my interview at a cemetery I wound up finding two other things: 1)the green shirt we were looking for everywhere in the bedroom, and 2)the mail key that had been missing for like a week. Like out of nowhere these things just showed up.

I then went to my interview. The men I interviewed with were really friendly. It was a really good interview. One of the guys said I had a beautiful personality and sounded like he wanted to hire me on the spot. So, I'm hoping that this pans out for me.

This has been an awesome and interesting week...