Peruvian Death Cold (tm)

I would like to get rid of this nasty cold. I think I might have enough of a voice for my interview today. I've spent a good portion of today hacking.

I'm hoping this cold has a quick and painless demise.

I Had a Dream One Night...

I remember back when I was a kid. There was always one night that I would await every year. it used to be in March. recently they moved it to the 4th Sunday in February. I've always had dreams of winning an Oscar. I always wanted to go up there and accept the award as best actress.

As I grew up, I realized that I wasn't comfortable speaking in front of crowds. I shifted my passion elsewhere. I still have the dream to be the first female director to win best director. I also would love to have my writing acknowledged.

Every year I tune in with the same dreams that I had when I was young. To be up there and not knowing what to say. Coming up with a list of people that have made a major impact on me. Each year I feel a little more defeated.

A part of me regrets giving up my film major. Maybe regret isn't the write word. Wish. I wish I had gotten in to UCLA. I wish I had made the second deadline for USC (especially considering they really wanted me for their writing program). But all this wishing isn't going to change the reality.

It also lights the fire in me to get writing again. I re-ignites the passion I have for screenwriting and film in general. Usually it's a generalized feeling that I have. This year I've already started formulating the story. I have a character background that I wrote a couple of years ago. The more I thought about it last night, the more I formulated what it was I wanted to write and where I wanted to go with it.

Now comes the part of writing that I'm not normally as enthused about. The bare bones construction. Making notes about where I see it going. Coming up with supporting characters. Fleshing out the supporting and main characters. And then the part I love more then anything, writing the actual screenplay.

One of these years I'll be the one up on that stage and accepting that award. That's the mantra I need to tell myself. (Right?)

A Mellow Day

Today was a much needed mellow day after yesterday. I had time to do some Wii Fit and send out more resumes.

After yesterday I feel a bit less confident about finding a job. I'm not going to let that get to me. I'm going to work as hard as I have, if not harder. I realize that it's not likely that I'll find something in this economy, but I'm going to try.

This Day... Too Long

Seriously.

I had 2 job interviews today. Normally, that's not a bad thing. I don't get many in person interviews. So, I'm definitely happy with what I get.

The interview I went to didn't give me much information about the location. They didn't give me a company name or office number. So, I was late because they gave me incomplete information. I had a short PowerPoint test (which was pretty basic really). But the interview was rude and came off almost as hostile. It was an uncomfortable for an interview. And, if this is how they handle interviews, then I'm not entirely sure I want to work in that kind of environment.

I had an interview in San Francisco. I show up with plenty of time to kill. I wound up walking 2 miles in 3 inch heels. I waited 2.5 hours for the interview... only for the woman to not show up. I think she might have been confused when the interview was. Honestly, that's fine. But it kinda put the icing on the already not so fab day I was having.

At least I'm home now under a blanket with the heater on. I was pretty cold when my SO picked me up... so much so I was shivering. My feet are pretty sore as well as my knee. However, I did get a good lunch and some tasty sangria. So, that was good. And I'm nice and cozy now. That is also a plus.

Productive and Tired

I've gotten a lot done today.

Got more resumes out, did some Wii Fit. I lost 1.5 lbs in the past 2 days. Not too shabby. I'm getting close to my goal slowly. This time I'm doing it without starving myself. So, I do feel a bit accomplished on that front.

I'm trying to remain optimistic on the work front. It's hard as every month goes by... but hope spring eternal right? And something feels like it's going to come through.

Other then that... Well, the roommate's coming home from her vacation (or rather, I should say, our vacation from her). In the time that she's been gone, we've been able to clean everything up. She sleeps most of the day and expects us to keep as quite as possible. So, I'm glad that we could finally clean up.

Other then that... I'm going to take some time to finish the first novella in Night Watch and relax for the rest of the afternoon.

I also feel accomplished because I managed to successfully make some Jumbalaya that's low fat and tasty.^-^ It's been a pretty productive week.

Ever Have One of Those Days...

You know, the kind of day that makes you want to cut off contact from everybody.

Yeah, I'm having one of those days.

Weird Dreams

Every now and then I get some really bizarre and disturbing dreams. They're not necessarily nightmares... They're just off somehow.

I once had one that was about a nuclear bomb going off. It had to do with me being strong enough to survive and thrive from that situation.

I had another one last night. This time it wasn't cut into non-sensible bits.

This time it was one long dream. I was at Death Guild (since I like going dancing there every Monday). For some reason (a reason that I can't even begin to understand) it was being held on a tall ship. There was a lot of people there. All dancing. I was hanging out with some friends who happened to be vending that night.

An ex-BF of mine (the most abusive of my BFs) walked in. He looked like he was looking for someone and wasn't going to stop until they found them. I mean, he used any means necessary to get to them, including beating up people to get information and threatening to kill them. It turns out that he was looking for me. After a while of me dancing. I went back to sitting down with my friends. He came up to me trying to play all coy. He acted like he was trying to act nice so I would get back together with him. he even pointed out that he had a nail in his shoe. I told him he should take it out. But anything more then that I wasn't willing to give him. At one point he got so angry with me that he threatened to kill every one in the club.

Then I got a flash of everyone lying down on the deck of the ship. He has a hold of me and won't let go. I have one arm free so I can grab a near by rope (my life line as it were). I felt as though he was going to kill me because I chose to get out of that situation. That he would be willing to beat me with in an inch of my life. I took the rope and looped it around his neck and pulled. I kept pulling until he fell to the deck himself. And I was crying.

I'm curious as to what this dream is about.

I know that if he and I share any friends, he typically slanders me until the other person wants nothing to do with me. Luckily he doesn't know many of my friends. He's still angry that I left. But I had to. It was after 3 years of him belittling me and verbally abusing me that I decided I had to leave. What I wanted in a relationship he wasn't giving me.

Even after leaving him, he still tried to get back together with me... Even to the point that he would talk shit about me to friends. He's still doing it to this very day.

*shrugs* I still have no idea what the significance of this dream is.

Man, do I have some weird dreams.

Woooooooo! *thud*

I've been out most of this morning. I had another job interview this morning. This time for a photo studio. I would love to have that job.

The interview felt like it went really well. He even said that he had to cut the interview shorter because the next interview came in. Otherwise, I think we would have talked for like well over an hour. I think that he liked my personality. We certainly had common ground because we both went to art schools. And we both can appreciate how much work it takes to finish a degree in art school.

I feel pretty confident about it. Not 100% sure, but I feel good about it. It's part-time to start but there's a huge possibility that I could wind up helping with other things in the studio. I think he liked that I did have both office skills and other skills pertinent to photography as well.

I haven't been sleeping to well. My SO has been getting over something. He hasn't been sleeping very well because of coughing. I too haven't been sleeping well for the same reason. So, I'm a little tired. But at least it's Friday so we can get some sleep.

I've been reading the Watch series (the same series the movies "Night Watch" and "Day Watch" were based off of). I like it. I like the fact that the author doesn't seem to put a lot of descriptions for the characters. It allows for you to visualize the character how you will. Unfortunately, I keep picturing Anton from the movies (see above). So far I haven't been given much of a visual impression. That being said... I don't mind that so much. It's a well written book. I already want to go back to the book. I also want to go and watch "Night Watch" again. I agreed to watch it again after I finish the first novella.^-^

"But I Want an Umpa Loompa NOW Daddy!"

Out of boredom I decided to watch "My Super Sweet Sixteen".

MTV decided to do a show showcasing nice Sweet Sixteen parties (or Bar/Bat Mizvahs or Quinces or eighteenth or twenty-first birthday parties). Which is all fine and dandy... until you listen to the girls who are having the parties. When they get married, I imagine them being on Bridezilla.

All of them are rich. I have no problem with rich girls, if they temper it with a certain amount of humility. I think I've only seen two birthdays that didn't devolve into Veruca Salt pouting about not getting an Umpa Loompa.

Is it necessary to throw such a fit when you don't get what you want when you want it?

Then it makes me wonder about their character. Working and knowing what it's like to do without makes a person. That way, when you finally get something it's worth it. It's more then worth it and it makes you cherish it all that much more. it also give you an appreciation for the cost of things.

And in a lot of ways, I feel sorry for these people. It's going to be difficult for them to live on their own. If mommy and daddy are always paying for them, how will they learn what it means to earn something. In a lot of ways I think something is more important to you when you know that you've earned it as opposed to having it given it to you.

Maybe that's where I differ. I'm not a huge fan of people who feel self-entitled. They feel like they deserve it because they are who the are and not for what they've done. When all is said and done, a name is just a name. But if you've made a positive impact on the world, then that will last forever.

Food Intolerance

Some people can eat anything... and in many was I envy them. Well, at least to a certain degree.

But I get a lot of flack from my family because I can't eat red meat. I can't even eat anything that's been cooked on the same surface as red meat. If I do I get very ill. If I eat red meat I get as white as a sheet. I can't even eat one of my favoritest meals ever, corned beef and cabbage.

My family doesn't understand that I stopped eating it because it started making me feel sick. This was before there was a dearth of information about red meat not being the main meal. I have been incapable of eating red meat for 13 years. I cut it out of my diet then.

So, I've been happier not eating red meat. I've found ways to work around red meat. Most things that require red meat can be made with turkey or chicken. And the things that I can't are things like steak and I never really missed it in the first place. My only exception to that being corned beef.

I've even expanded my horizons considerably since I first decided to not eat red meat. I now eat fish more then I used to. I must say that that is an acquired taste. I used to not like the flavor. But now... I don't mind it so much. I even made a tasty (and healthy) crab meal the other night. However, crab is something that I'll use sparingly as a meal seeing how even for a half pound of lump crab from Whole Foods (where I normally go for my meat and veggies because they're organic with no hormones and no genetic engineering) is $12.99. That's still cheaper then Safeway where it's about $19-$20 for a half pound.

But I digress.

I still run into issues with my family and red meat. Even if I say it's OK to make fish or something. Maybe one day they'll accept that I'm not a huge fan of red meat.

Bacon on the other hand...^_~

A Quickie

I'm doing a quickie post.

I'm feeling very sleepy right now. Between going out dancing last night and Wii Fit, I feel pretty tired.

And I still get to go out shopping and get dinner.

Overall, it's been a pretty productive day.

Today's Adventure

I was awaken earlier then I was supposed to be by my roommate who's now out of town for almost 2 weeks.

I had a 9:30 interview. I went online and checked for a way to get to the interview via public transport.

Oh what a fiasco that turned out to be.

The information I got was completely wrong. I was told to get off of BART at 16th St. and Mission. Which was where I was supposed to be able to pick up MUNI line 28.

The problem with this, MUNI line 28 goes nowhere near Mission. It goes through Park Persidio , over by the Golden Gate Bridge and to Daly City BART...

So, nowhere near where I was told to go.

I spent an hour on several buses to find that out. I didn't find that out until I was at Daly City BART looking at a map of San Francisco with the MUNI bus lines on it.

Luckily, I had told the person that I was interviewing with that I was having problems getting there. He called me back and I asked if I could reschedule because I got hopelessly lost. By the time I had it sorted out it was almost 10. Unfortunately that's a bit unacceptable for being late.

I also learned that I should have gone with my gut instinct to have gotten off at Daly City BART instead of going to Mission.

And while I hate missing appointments that I set. I'm not that upset about missing this one. It was a temporary job. And I have a gut feeling that I really wouldn't enjoy it either.

However, I do like an adventure. And I learned exactly how to get to SF State from Daly City BART if I wind up going there to finish my degree... Now all I need is to figure out how to get to the University of San Francisco.^-^

A Checkered Past

Most people can look at their childhoods with a certain amount of fondness.

Sure, there are things that were great about childhood. Almost enough for me to look back at it with a certain amount of nostalgia. Hell, I think almost everyone does.

But a lot of that nostalgia is tempered by horrible truths. Things that are hard to deal with sometimes. Things that left me emotionally damaged for some time. Things that made it a bit difficult at times.

I don't know if I would say that I had a harder childhood then most people... but I would say that it was pretty hard.

I was abused up until the age of 16, both physically and emotionally. I was molested by the age of 2. I was raped by the age of 13. My mom had her own demons to fight. That took her out of my life for a few years. This was after repeated attempts to take her own life.

Of course, I don't blame her for my life. For a good portion of my childhood she had to her own fight against something that can't be controlled by will alone. That's hard. My grandfather (her father) died when I was younger. This certainly helped speed things along.

My dad was in a motorcycle accident before I was born. He was wearing a helmet, but the helmet cracked in two. He was in a semi-coma for 2 weeks. That left him with some pretty serious damage. He had to take care of my sister for a while with little help from my mom. Unfortunately, he didn't know the best way to deal with two children. My sister was keen on placing the blame on me. I used to take the beatings.

While my mom was in the hospital, my sister and I were staying at my mom's ex-best friend's. She liked beating the eldest daughter. She beat her own eldest daughter. And she would beat me. One night I was arguing with her daughter. She thought the best way to take care of it would be to duct tape our mouths shut. When I had the flu, I was forced to sleep on a drafty living room floor. It was hard to live there.

Then my mom met my step dad (my mom and dad got divorced shortly after my grandpa died). And he was emotionally abusive. He would call me a stupid, ugly, fat bitch. I was consistently, emotionally beaten down. And there wasn't much that I could do about it. There was nowhere else I could go. I could go to live with my dad... but my mom had custody of my sister and I.

Maybe that sounds like an excuse. And perhaps it is.

But by that time, I had no self-esteem. I didn't know that family's weren't supposed to be that way. So, I kept it all inside.

In this time frame I was raped. And I kept that inside. I kept inside until it started eating away at myself. And one day I couldn't sleep anymore. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't. And I didn't know why.

I went to see a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD from rape trauma.

The rape was brutal. And while there wasn't much physical injury from it. I was forced by a guy twice my size who was known to carry a knife at all times to give him oral sex. I couldn't move. I couldn't back away. He overpowered me and nearly drowned me for his sexual gratification. This was by the age of 13.

After I started actively dating, I sought out abusive and manipulative men. After all, how was I to know differently. The pinnacle was someone who I'll refer to as DB (I don't like using proper names of people, just to be fair to them). He was manipulative and terribly emotionally abusive. While I was with him he made me feel as though it were my stepfather. He would make me feel bad when I would get dressed up. He would intentionally start arguments with me in public and then make me feel bad because I would get upset. He stifled me.

I had people tell me that they noticed a huge difference in me when I was with him. That I wasn't the same vibrant person. That he had somehow managed to dim my light.

But so did that group of friends.

After 3 years, I broke up with him. I had made decision about my life that I was comfortable with. I started learning more about myself. I had ample free time (I still had issues with insomnia for many years after therapy). So, I started learning more about myself.

But that's not where it ended.

After no longer seeing anyone in that circle of friends, I decided that it was best if I cut off all ties. I didn't feel comfortable with them. They caused drama for drama's sake. They liked having something to talk bad about to make themselves feel better. I got tired of the cycle and called it quits with the lot of them.

And that's when I started getting more comfortable with my own skin. This was after I met people who were happy to let me be me. I discovered what it was that they thought about me while at Burning Man 2004. I spent copious time out, without them. And made a new circle of friends. People who I was free to be myself around. To be the goofy, geeky and sometimes outrageous woman that I am. It was empowering. All because I walked into a bar at Burning Man in 2004.

I took a year to myself. I didn't date anyone. I spent time in self-contemplation. And I learned a lot about myself. I learned what I wanted out of life for myself. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I was keeping myself in a self-perpetuating loop. I was putting myself into abusive relationships. The only person who could break free from them was myself.

And that's precisely what I did. I took the time and processed my life. I spent a lot of lonely nights thinking about it. And the longer I took, the less it hurt. The more comfortable that I was in my skin. But I had to learn what my own skin was.