Of People and Ownership

There are certain things that I don't quite understand. And I claim that because I definitely have a different way of looking at the world, especially where relationships are concerned. I'm typically less clingy and possessive of my significant others.

So, I don't understand the mentality of calling someone "my man" or "my girl". While it might seem like a term of endearment of sorts, to me it just feels creepy.

Maybe it's because it almost seems like you finally won a person of specified gender in an auction like a slave. To me it comes across like you view them more as a possession rather than someone whom you're having a relatively intimate relationship with. So much so that it surpasses friendship status.

Now, I have a significant other. This is someone who I would consider a friend and lover. Someone who I enjoy spending copious amounts of time with. And while I'll use the statement my significant other, it doesn't seem to take on the same significance as calling him "my man". He's mine in the extent that we're sharing an intimate relationship that's not being shared with anybody else. But other then that... I don't know. It doesn't come across as being possessive. It's simply a statement of fact.

Perhaps it's the the fact that the term used isn't my boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, lover, life partner, partner, etc. But only specifying the gender of the person that is what creeps me out. It almost sounds like this person is a set of genitalia and nothing more significant.

For some reason that phrase just gets under my skin.

The Rare Sunday Posting

I figured I'd actually attempt to post on Sunday... for once. I usually take a break on Sundays. You know how that goes every now and then.

I figured since I was at the Lizzle (DNA Lounge... oh, the things you come up with drinking sangria, right?) that I would do a non-quickie non-slogging post.

Me and my SO are seeing Combichrist. I'm not terribly bowled over by the opening bands.But Combichrist always puts on a good show. I like putting effort out and going to see bands. If I like them enough to buy an album, I should throw down the funds to see them live.

Needless to say, I'm enjoying myself. However, the keyboard I'm typing leaves something left to be desired... LOL.

More tomorrow... I promise.

Beginning to Slog Through the Mire

As I stated before, I'm surprised that I've turned out how I have. It certainly wasn't the easy path. Of course, the easy path is to use or lash out violently. Coming from all different kinds of abuse is always difficult. Breaking free of it is even harder.

As I think back, I have a hard time thinking of a time where I wasn't in some form of an abusive situation. The only exception to that is where I am now.

Dealing with the issues that comes from abuse are hard. It took a lot of mistakes on my behalf. After I was old enough to get into relationships I went into one abusive relationship after the other. It wasn't until I took a year to re-assess what I really wanted out of life; and what I wanted out of relationships that I was finally able to end the cycle. I seriously looked at what sort of people I was involved with. I wound up cutting out a good portion of my friends because they were "drama". Essentially, they derived great pleasure from backstabbing each other and being malicious. It was a cycle that I felt stuck in because I was afraid to just walk away. I wanted to feel accepted. And like many who were abused thinks that being treated like crap equates acceptance.

I hadn't realized that I didn't really like myself to stay in that situation.

It wasn't until I wound up being broken up with (and to a certain extent breaking up with) two of the people in that circle that I took the time to learn about me.

I didn't actually start learning about myself until Burning Man 2004. It was also the first time that I felt like I was allowed to be myself. I didn't have to wear a mask to hide behind. It was also the first time that anyone actually accepted me for me and not something I wasn't. I felt free for once in my life.

I'll expound on this some more. But I'll leave it at this, this life has been a long and difficult road to walk.

Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House

There are very few things that touch a raw nerve in me. But remembering things that I went through sometimes takes the wind out of my sails.

Watching someone trying to kick and fail heroin hits me hard.

I've had a hard childhood. I don't know if I would say that it was more difficult then most. I was abused both physically and emotionally for 16 years. I was raped twice. I also had abusive relationships up until I said I had enough of the bull and the drama in 2004. In the whole scheme of things, I've come a long way. I should have either been a convict or a drug addict.

And I had seriously thought about it while I was in high school. It was just after I was raped the first time. I had thought about actually doing heroin. I did all the research (since I'm a research nut). I knew all of hte risks of doing heroin. And while I could have gotten it pretty easily... I decided to tell the person offering me it no.

But then I started watching Celebrity Rehab. I know people who do a gross amount of drugs (namely MDMA). And while they won't admit that they have problems, they do. And probably problems they should see a counselor or therapist about.

But I digress.

The last season of Celebrity Rehab featured a guy named Steven Adler. He was the drummer for Guns N Roses for "Appetite for Destruction" and "Lies". He was kicked out of the band for drug and alcohol abuse. He had a serious drug problem. He hadn't a day sober since he was 11 years old. He had serious problems with his family. Something that I can empathize with deeply. He was sober for a month.

Then they decided to show what happens after rehab. Hence the show Sober House. It's to show the next step after rehab. And Steven shows up high... back on heroin. And I flash back to when I was in high school. And it brings tears to my eyes. It's hard for me to watch it. Namely because I was very cloe to being that person myself. Except, I probably would be dead by now. There's a lot of psychology behind it. I'll get to it another night.

I just feel as though I need to write through this.

To this day, given my background and personal history, almost everyone I know says that I'm lucky that I'm as well adjusted as I am.

I think I might write more on this tomorrow.

Me and my Wii Fit

I've been using my Wii Fit off and on since I got it at the beginning of December. I've learned some interesting things since I've started using it.

For instance, my body contains a lot of muscle tissue... more then I was even aware I had. And I'm in better shape now then I have ever been in my life.

I have far more stamina now then I have ever had. I've danced for an hour at a time without pause. I don't think I've ever done that. I'm also capable of running longer distances then I have before. This is unusual for me. I have knee problems and when I was in high school I couldn't run the mile because it would hurt my knees immensely. I used to take an 11-12 minutes mile. And now I'm running it a lot quicker then that.

So, it leads me to think that it's really working. I look leaner and am slowly loosing weight (hence the statement that I have a lot of muscle tissue. Of course, part of the not loosing so much weight thing for the past week is due to my period. Which is not entirely surprising... any woman can understand how hard it is to loose weight at that time of the month; but as it passes, I'm actually dropping that weight.

Who would have ever thought that weight loss and fitness could be this fun.^-^

Interesting Mix of Good and Bad

I've been feeling a bit down since Monday night. I think maybe it's because I feel as though I look old and so on.

Of course, this could all be because it's that wonderful time of the month that all woman enjoy. I start feeling moody and occasionally down on myself. It might just be the hormones speaking.

*shrugs* Who knows.

It seems to be trying to rain. Which is good. I'm looking forward to the rain. We certainly need it in California. They were already saying that it looks like the state would be in a serious drought this year. I would like for that to not be true. Plus, I like rain.

I had a phone interview yesterday. I think it went pretty well. It's definitely a place that I wouldn't mind working. It would be an office manager position, but it would be for a music school. That was pretty awesome. Hopefully I did well enough to make it to the in person interview.

Other then that... life keeps movin' along. I still need to finish up the shirt I'm sewing. One of these days... and hopefully soon. I would like to find a pants pattern because I have some neat fabric that looks a bit like mummy fabric that I would like to make a pair of pants out of.

With Great Optimism

This might sound silly or what have you, but I get these really good feelings. And generally, they're attached to something positive happening somewhere in my life. It's something that I like having and at the same time... not so much.

But it nice to have a good feeling, right?

I've been putting out resumes right and left. I put out something like 15 resumes a day, every other day. So, in sheer volume alone, I should have something work out for me, right? Well, I think it's starting to little by little.

I got a response for a brief phone interview tomorrow. It would be for a position as an Office Manager for a music school. I would love to work at a music school. I've got a bit of experience with musicians. Almost everyone on my mom's side of the family has been involved to some extent with music (myself included, I sing). I'm trying not to get too excited about this. I don't want to get my hopes up about having the job and then not get it. But it feels good to be getting out there again and interviewing.

I'm also happy to be able to go out dancing at least weekly. It's something that I've always enjoyed. It's a fun release.

I've been thinking of going out and riding my biker recently. I was thinking about doing it today, but days when I put out my resume aren't the best day for it. So, I did my normal Wii Fit routine of jogging for 20 minutes, doing some strength training (which is definitely helping with the toning) and finishing up with some yoga. I do need to get back into hooping. I haven't went out with my hoop in a bit and I miss it. I also miss spending time with my LED poi and working on not hitting myself with them.

But all I can do right now is hope and keep working to getting a new job that I would love.

Never Thought I'd See This Happen

After doing some of my weekly tidying I thought that I would get some air and walk to Chipotle and get me some lunch.

I checked to make sure that I actually had money in my pocket. Luckily enough, I did.

I thought I had one more dollar then I did. And when I was going to pay it turned out that I was just under a dollar short. I asked the girl to take the drink off because I was just going to go home and eat it. Instead she just charged me for the drink. She said that the bowl would be on her.

That bowled me over. It's been some time since I've seen someone do such an act of charity. I wasn't expecting that. It totally caught me by surprise. Usually they'll just take off the extra object.

It was nice.

Now I feel like I should go there and buy two bowls or burritos or something. Because that was the kindest thing that I've had done for me by someone who was a complete stranger.

That totally bowled me over.^-^

Nice Day in the Neighbourhood

Now, I usually have a schedule I stick to. I read my morning things, I do Wii Fit and then I make myself a sammich.

But I've been getting increasingly bored with that routine. You can only do that for so long before it just becomes dull. So today I decided to do something different. I went for a walk around my neighbourhood. The weather in California's been unseasonably warm... so why not take the time outside.

So, I went out for a bit of a walk with a camera and took some pictures. It was a nice day for it. I got some pictures of a couple of labs playing fetch in the lagoon with their owner and a crane eating bugs in some grass. The place where I live has a lot of waterways. It's a lovely location. And I ended the walk by picking up some Vietnamese food and played with my cat.

I do enjoy getting some pictures around the lagoons. I think I might at least make the walk a weekly occurrence while the weather is still inclement.

Becoming More Self-Fulfilled

I've been trying to loose weight for the past 3 years. I got very sick 3 years ago and couldn't really move. I put on a lot of weight in that time. And I've been struggling to loose it.

The entire time I've been trying to loose the weight for me.

But it's been one step forward, two steps back.

Up until recently I always have had problems with maintaining the weight loss. Once winter comes, it's too cold to go out to the gym and I, like many others, wind up putting on holiday weight. Of course, there's also the holiday stress which was compounded with getting everything together for our trip to Philly. And my birthday also falls near the holidays. Next year it falls on Thanksgiving. And my grandma *always* puts together a really awesome sweets table.

So, all of these factors helps add on the pounds.

And then I got a pretty bad cold when I got back from Philadelphia (possibly a combination of flying and it being much colder in Philly then here). But I have to say, I was pretty proud of myself. I only put on 2 pounds. So, while I did have the tasty, tasty goodness I didn't splurge and eat too much. Plus the days we spent walking around Philly also helped.

But recently I've been feeling a lot better about myself. Ever since I've been working on the Wii Fit I've been a lot better about getting tone. Much better then I was going to the gym. I'm thinking of stopping my gym membership after 1 year and getting a YMCA pass for the pool and possibly getting a Tai Chi class... though my gym is offering belly dancing... Hmmm.

But I digress.

I've been feeling much better about myself and my stamina is much better then it's been since I quit smoking. I think I spent 2 hours straight dancing on Monday night. I think I feel more healthy now then I have ever in my entire life.

And I look leaner too.

I must say that I'm happy with where I'm going.

Now if only I can get a job that I would find fulfilling. I think that's all I need right now to be truly happy. I have everything else that I need.^-^

Curious Case of the Roommate (A Moment of Venting)

I know that everybody has this problem at some point. Almost everyone deals with roommates at some point. Some times the situation can be fairly rewarding. But often times it can take a turn southward. My situation is consistently south.

Me and my SO have a roommate. She's been a friend of mine for many years. And I get along great with her... until we agreed to take her in as a roommate.

They say that you never really know someone until you live with them. Man oh man, is that true.

At first it was OK. Then about a month later she decided to cut her rent. No asking if it were OK because she's fallen on hard times or anything (because she wasn't). She just cut it. She claimed that she should pay for her square footage. She has one of two bedrooms. She has the covered parking spot to protect her precious BMW. She doesn't clean her own dishes and doesn't do nice things like buy paper towels or toilet paper.

*deep breath*

Normally, I don't mind someone not paying as much because they're offering some other service as payment. I'm a big fan of the bartering system. We used to have a housemate who couldn't afford to pay us rent, but he offered to do all of the housework and occasionally buy us nice things like food or booze. That was fine. We could manage the rent on our own at that point and neither of us like housework. And to this day, when he comes over to hang or what have you he still does it. He doesn't have to. He just chooses to.

But our current housemate...

*sigh*

Yeah.

I usually do all of the housework. I'm fairly meticulous and like to find things. The one time she managed to clean then house I couldn't find anything for months. Even to this day I'm still looking for things. She actually did some housework after gypping us on rent... 5 months after moving. The reasoning behind it, she was dating a guy who was over at our apartment all the time without asking or mentioning it for some time. Hell, I didn't even know who he was for a week.

And I've noticed this trend. She never really puts too much effort into cleaning, until she's in a "relationship" with someone (I'll clarify the quotes later). I think the psychology behind it is this: she wants to prove to random guy X that she happens to be dating that she's a good homemaker and therefore he should marry her. Otherwise, she never offers to clean... ever.

Why did I put the word relationship in quotes? Because, while it is a relationship, it usually lasts about 6 months. There are a few reasons for this. She's horrible with communication. She expects the guy to know what she wants out of a relationship. The reality of the fact is that that is not how it works. I think anyone who is in a relationship for any amount of time (say, longer the 6 month litmus mark) knows that you have to compromise and work and communicate to keep the relationship going. And she's got two guys she's working on. Normally, I don't mind at all. Hey, as long as everyone is on the up and up about a situation, then all's fair. But she's seeing two guys right now. Neither of them knows about the other. And one guy she's pretty much keeping so he can buy her things. Which is a shame because both guys are really nice.

So, I have a feeling that there's going to be some drama in my house. Because this type of situation can only last for so long before it blows up in your face.

Why do I put up with this?

Simple, we can't afford not to. I'm working on getting a new job and living on the Peninsula is expensive.

Hopefully I'll get a new job soon and will no longer have to deal with it.

Re-Gaining an Old Passion

I occasionally pick up screenwriting magazines. I keep everyone that I pick up because they always have nice tips and stories to help when you're in a jam writing.

I was reading an article written by the man who penned "Milk". And while I was reading it I thought about the 4 story ideas that I have mulling around my head. They're ideas that I came up with about a year ago. I still remember each one.

I had put writing on the back burner for a while.

But now... Now I really want to get back to writing. I miss it. I miss it a lot. And if I had my way, I'd sit and write all day. I've done that before. I would sit and write for 8 hours straight. And since I have these stories that I would like to put down on paper, maybe now's the time.

It certainly gives me something to do in between looking for a new job.

Still Plugging Away

I've been brainstorming lately. Part of it is what I can do to keep the Japanese fresh in my brain. And the other is what job I can do, that I would enjoy and would allow me to finish my degree.

I've decided that the best thing I to keep up my Japanese knowledge would be to register in a community college and re-take the upper level classes. Not because I can get any additional units from it, but just to keep it fresh in my head until I can get the money together to pay for school... or at least part of it. I think I might do that. It's something that I would need to discuss with my SO, but I think that's something we might be able to do.

I've been hitting the job listings again. I took the month of December off. There's a reason for that. When I worked at a staffing agency December was the slowest month. It was slow namely because Most businesses are gearing down for the holidays. Many businesses are closed the week of Xmas and New Year's. I also knew that I would be going out of town for a week. So, putting your resume out and having someone call you for an interview when you're out of town, probably not such a good idea.

I found some things that intrigue me. But is it something that I'm going to want to do as something I enjoy? And I'm not sure many of the jobs are going to be things that I would find fulfilling. But I'm still going to look and apply. Something will come up. I am confident that it will.

So, the thinking and planning continues.

Kickin' It Philly Style

I recently got back from visiting my SO's family in Philadelphia.

It's the first time that I had been in Pennsylvania for any amount of time longer then a weekend. Most of the week was filled by doing things with his family. That was a bit nerve wracking. It was mostly his mother's side of the family. I had met his father's family the previous year.

I think I was well received... I think. One can never be sure of how one is received.

Needless to say, we didn't have a whole lot of free time to explore. OK, well it would be exploring for me. He was raised in Philly and would give me tour of places he would go when he was a child. It was nice.

His family lives two blocks from the Philadelphia Art Museum. This is the same museum they filmed for Rocky. In front there's a statue of Sylvester Stalone in boxing shorts. It's a huge tourist draw. This was mostly noticed at how many people were at the top of the stairs doing the Rocky triumph pose. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures. I was trying to get a picture of Ben Franklin Parkway without people right in front of my camera.

All in all, we had a good time. We got see some friends who we don't normally get a chance to see due to the fact that they live across the country from us.

I think one of the most memorable things to happen was Wednesday, 31.December. It actually snowed. I was assured by many people that the weather's slightly colder then the San Francisco winter. Of course, that week it was bitterly cold.

Finally on Wednesday it got down to about 19-20 degrees out. I'm not sure how cold it was with the wind. As we were heading to the bus stop (we were planning on heading out to Old City), we noticed white flakes on the breeze. I figured it could be something like plum blossoms or some flower that blooms in the winter. But it started happening more often. By the time we got to the bus stop, I got a chance to look at what had collected on my jacket. It was very distinct snow flakes.

This took everyone by surprise.

I had to get a picture of this. So, once we got to Old City, I snapped a pic of my SO in front of Independence Hall with a light layer of snow dusting the grass in front of the hall.

Opening Note... a Mission Statement

I have long thought about starting a journal some place in order to chronicle various things in my life. I do have other blogging sites that I could turn to, I'm just not sure of interest.

I figured that I would start out fresh seeing as this is the beginning of a new year. I've decided to write here.

Now, what might I be covering...

I'm not quite sure. I've been thinking of telling the tale of someone who is desperate to finish their schooling and make something more of their life. The truth is, that's a tale that almost everyone can tell.

I guess I can start by spilling some information about myself.

I'm almost 30 (I turn 30 in November). I've always beat myself up over the fact that I've not finished my Bachelor's. I have a passion for many things in life... a lot of which falls in to the creative line. I love music, film, photography, dancing, art, etc.

I occasionally fancy myself a writer. I've been told that's what I should be doing with my life. And while the thought of having a career as a writer intrigues me, I have no idea on where to start. What I would love to do is to have a screenplay that I wrote shot by a major studio. Now, no matter how much I want that, realistically speaking, that's simply not going to happen. So, I'm going to to keep on writing, because it's something that I do truly enjoy.

But I have set my sites else where.

I took Japanese on a lark. I watch a lot of Japanese movies and so forth. I also have a love for learning new languages. So, I figured that I would take Japanese to be another language that I could understand.

What I did not plan on was that I would truly enjoy the experience. I fell in love with the Japanese language. And while I still have my dreams to be a screenwriter, I think I found something else that I can do and I'm fairly decent at as well. I've done better in Japanese then I have in any other non-Latin based language. I thrived.

I think I found something else that I am completely capable of doing.

And now I have a desire to finish what I started. I've taken two years of Japanese. And now I want to go on to a four year university and get my degree in Japanese.

So, you might be asking yourself, where am I going with this...

Well, that's what this blogs about. It's about me working and struggling. Sometimes I'll succeed and sometimes I'll fail. That is the essence of life. But I would like to chronicle my journey to achieving my first degree in a language that I'm a complete outsider to.

Hopefully those of you who read this will find this enjoyable.

Thank you to those who would like to be along for the ride.