As I stated before, I'm surprised that I've turned out how I have. It certainly wasn't the easy path. Of course, the easy path is to use or lash out violently. Coming from all different kinds of abuse is always difficult. Breaking free of it is even harder.
As I think back, I have a hard time thinking of a time where I wasn't in some form of an abusive situation. The only exception to that is where I am now.
Dealing with the issues that comes from abuse are hard. It took a lot of mistakes on my behalf. After I was old enough to get into relationships I went into one abusive relationship after the other. It wasn't until I took a year to re-assess what I really wanted out of life; and what I wanted out of relationships that I was finally able to end the cycle. I seriously looked at what sort of people I was involved with. I wound up cutting out a good portion of my friends because they were "drama". Essentially, they derived great pleasure from backstabbing each other and being malicious. It was a cycle that I felt stuck in because I was afraid to just walk away. I wanted to feel accepted. And like many who were abused thinks that being treated like crap equates acceptance.
I hadn't realized that I didn't really like myself to stay in that situation.
It wasn't until I wound up being broken up with (and to a certain extent breaking up with) two of the people in that circle that I took the time to learn about me.
I didn't actually start learning about myself until Burning Man 2004. It was also the first time that I felt like I was allowed to be myself. I didn't have to wear a mask to hide behind. It was also the first time that anyone actually accepted me for me and not something I wasn't. I felt free for once in my life.
I'll expound on this some more. But I'll leave it at this, this life has been a long and difficult road to walk.
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I have had my share of abuse too and I experienced a lot of anger as a result. You wouldn't say that I'm an angry person now, would you? That took YEARS of hard work and help from the medical profession to put it in the past.
ReplyDeleteYou once mentioned the abuse to me in passing, but I didn't want to pry. If you ever want to talk, I'm here for you.
Nah, I don't mind talking about it. Part of recovery is talking about it. So, I don't mind talking at all.
ReplyDeleteAnd you most certainly don't seem to be an angry person at all.