An Interesting Dichotomy

I guess this really isn't about a dichotomy per se so much as it's about something that's been hard for me to come to turns with.


It's been sometime since I've even thought about it in this way. I look back on almost all of my previous relationships (previous being before I took time to learn more about myself, with one very striking exception whom I still like to keep in contact with) with a certain amount of pride. Not so much pride over being in horrible, abusive and maligned relationships, but the fact that I found strength within myself to break free of such an awful cycle.

I realize that I'm still pretty sensitive to watching people go through this kind of... well, torment. If I have a friend who seems to be also caught in this cycle I tell them to get out of it and fast. Of course, usually when one says something about it, they usually play it off as it's not happening to them... that natural. I used to say that I wasn't in an abusive relationship when, in hindsight, I really was.

I thought I'd gotten past a lot of the mental squick over people who are controlling and forceful in all things, especially romantic relationships...

Then I started watching Nana.

Now, granted, I had read the manga. I'm still awaiting the latest volume. And I knew and understood that Takumi was a controlling manipulative bastard. It's pretty easy to separate yourself from it when it's words on a page. I can put that distance between my personal experience and manga.

But watching it is different. It's harder. It's harder to hear some of the same things said again. Even if it's not said to me, it still hits this incredibly sore spot within me. It makes me cringe and weep. And while my life wasn't *this* melodramatic... it wasn't too far off either. Having him tell me that he didn't want me belonging to any other guy and speaking for me because I felt far too broken to speak for myself. The best show of this is episode 32 of Nana.NANA Episode 32

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Watching this brought all that back again in technicolor. While most times I can look back at it and look at it as a moment of personal strength, when hearing the same words again... it's just harder.

While I've come so far, there are certain things that hurt. Maybe that's why I have issues when it comes to dominance/submission relationships. I have a hard time being submissive. I think that's because I let someone subsume me so completely and wholly... I have problems letting someone do that to me again. Maybe that's because of having someone (actually someones, but who's counting) do that to me... all the time. I don't want to be caught in the same cycle. I can't let myself be caught in that cycle.

All I know is that I have to take all of that and leave it far behind. Keep looking at it as a moment where I overcame and became stronger as opposed to a moment that I allowed myself to be beaten in to someone else's submission.

...It's Been Some Time

I know, I'm bad about actually posting in here.

Well, I finally have some time to post something.

Well, unfortunately I post with a bit of bad news.

At the end of July I will no longer be gainfully employed.:( And as bad as I should be taking this, I kinda already knew this was coming. In a lot of ways, I feel like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders. It's something that I wasn't sure if it was coming or not.

This is the downside of working at a non-profit. Oftentimes they have a board of directors. More times then not, they don't do what would be in the best interest of the staff. This is the case. The general manager is not happy with this decision. He even said that if there's anything they can do to help me, they'll do it.

This is, in oh so many ways, a good thing.

I feel like this time around that I have a more stable footing for getting a job. Much better then my last job. I also feel much better about my job performance at the cemetery. I'm apparently a very valuable asset (the only other person who can do one of the co-workers job), and loosing me might be very problematic.

The unfortunate problem is they're loosing me for someone who's supposed to be doing outside sales.0_0

Oh well, that's the way it goes right?

At least I know that I as valued (a huge plus over my last job) and that I will be missed.

Now I get to delve back through many a classified in order to find a new job.

Even in Death There Is Paper Work

I know... I've been horrible about updating here. I haven't found a lot of personal time to write lately. I'm not particularly happy about this. I need to remind myself to write more often. It's therapeutic.

So, it seems that I have finally found a job. It's exactly what I was looking for in all. I'm working part-time in an office... and it's ridiculously low stress. It's perfect.

I wound up getting the job at the Italian Cemetery after all. I go to a lot of funerals. The one today sticks out more then any other funeral. Not because it was today... because that too makes sense. But because it was... rather sad. Only two people showed up. Because it was raining on and off, they decided to use a chapel instead of have the funeral at the grave site. It almost reminded me of the type of funeral you see in movies for the anti-hero.

I've also had the opportunity to see an Armenian funeral. So far, I think I appreciate Sicilian funerals the best.

The one thing that I have learned (at least so far) is that there is a lot of paper work in the funerary business. Unfortunately, even after death, there is a paper trail.

It's Been a Bit...

And I apologize for not being as prompt on the whole posting thing. Last week was... interesting to say the least.

Monday I let loose information that I probably shouldn't have... but didn't realize that it wasn't known by the other individual. I gave up an entire night to help pacify this guy... me and a mutual friend. He then, somehow saw the posting she made calling him nuts and a stalker.

And then he came over here last night and spent the night... *sigh*

Two people need to be beaten with a clue by four. The only reason she wanted to get back together with him in the first place is because she didn't want to be alone. She had expectation about the new relationship she never talked to the other guy about. Talk about teh lame. Then she started trying to get back together with her ex... *shakes head*

I thought I got rid of the overall uncomfortableness of this situation. So, I'm left with a second entirely volatile place. The funny thing is, they were arguing again.

And I got some awesome news on Friday.

I got a call from the Italian Cemetery. Originally they had said they were going to go with someone else. Apparently that didn't work out. And from what I was being asked, I presume that they didn't have the Excel knowledge that they were looking for. Luckily enough, I do... or I can ask someone who does know more then me.

So, I'm in a more ideal job for me to go back to school. I'm thinking of applying for Winter/Spring semester with USF next year.^-^

"So Much I Let This End..."

And strangely enough... out of the squicky feelings that I get about knowing that an ex-SO could possibly try to have any sort of touch on my life via Facebook... because I don't use my legal name there and the picture I use is the same as the one here. I started feeling pure unadulterated joy after my interview yesterday.

I'm not even sure where this came from.

But something my SO told me, "Don't worry about where it's coming from. Just enjoy it."

And I am. I like this feeling. I feel so happy and am ready to see what else life has in store for me.

Squicky Feelings

I didn't think there were many things in my past that makes me just feel... well, bad. I think I learned something that hits a certain amount of sadness in me.

I have an ex-boyfriend that I broke up with. I had to. It felt like the relationship was about him... and that's about it. If I didn't cater to what he wanted he would make me feel bad about myself.

And every time I hear his name a part of me just feels sad. I don't know what it is... but it's something.

Maybe it's the fact that I know that I've grown so much in the 5+ years it's been since we've been together... and for him, not so much. The last I've heard, he's cheating on his girlfriend with someone else who happens to be married. *sigh* Not exactly ethical non-monogamy. So, there's lying and cheating all the way around. And in so many ways I'm glad I'm nowhere near that train wreck waiting to happen.

What I don't get is how everyone can allow themselves to be so snowed by him. That the bravado and confidence they see isn't real. And that's something I've learned from being in a relationship with him...

Or maybe the feeling I get is a knee-jerk reaction. I can mentally remember what it was like to be in a relationship with him. What it was like to feel so alone because he would force away my friends. What gets to me most was the fact that I was never valued. I never got any compliments from him. This went on for so long, that to this day I truly appreciate anything good said about me. Because, in that relationship, all I heard was what was wrong with me. Why no one else liked me. Never heard anything positive.

And even think about being back in that situation turns my stomach. I feel sick and just sad that I left myself in that situation.

If there's one thing I can take solace in, it's that I know that I made the right decision. I may have made it for some of the wrong reasons. The relationship wouldn't have survived anyways... I was going in one direction and he just wanted everything to stay the way it was. But in the end I know it was the right decision. Leaving him allowed me to bloom and grow. I found an identity just for me.

Lost and Found

This week has been interesting. This is the first time I can say that and not have it be like the Chinese proverb.

I had a rather slow week as far as interviews and such go. I had a phone interview and I got a call for a face to face interview on Friday. I'll extrapolate on that later.

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day. Now, I love going out for St. Paddy's day and get some Irish food. I found a place in Mountain View that looked like it actually served a lot of Irish pub food. However, it was St. Patrick's Day. That means you get a ridiculous amount of people out to drink copious amounts of green beer and that's about it.

So, instead of Irish food we started looking for other places to go. We wound up at a place called Xanh. It was Vietnamese Tapas. My God, was it good. The food was amazing. They had great martinis as well. There was one called the Fortune Cookie. It's a chocolate martini with crumbled up fortune cookie on the rim of the glass. It tasted amazing. I could certainly go for another one of those.

I was looking for a shirt of my SO's that was appropriately green for the day. For the life of me I could not find it. We looked all over the room and couldn't find it. The same thing happened to our mail key. I searched everywhere... in all the pockets and I just couldn't find it.

So, Thursday I'm sitting around online. I found a good friend of mine that I met at Burning Man back in 2005. I hadn't talked to him in a couple of years. It was great to finally get to be back in contact with someone who I was quite close with.

The next day, as I was getting ready for my interview at a cemetery I wound up finding two other things: 1)the green shirt we were looking for everywhere in the bedroom, and 2)the mail key that had been missing for like a week. Like out of nowhere these things just showed up.

I then went to my interview. The men I interviewed with were really friendly. It was a really good interview. One of the guys said I had a beautiful personality and sounded like he wanted to hire me on the spot. So, I'm hoping that this pans out for me.

This has been an awesome and interesting week...

精神力

The kanji above reads seishinryouku. It's an interesting phrase that means strength of mind.

There's something awesome about strong-headed women. They know what they want. They're willing to do the what is needed to get there. And they're willing to fight for it, if needs be.

And that is a truly wonderful trait to have.

I think I have grown to be more seishinryouku. I have also been a bit stubborn. I have made a lot of changes in my life. And I think I've learned to have a strength of mind and will.

((the above image is of Lady Tenshoin of the Tokugawa as played by Miyazaki Aoi in the NHK Taiga drama Atsuhime. Lady Tenshoin stood strongly as Japan decided to get rid of the Shogunate and restore power to the emperor.))

Yesterday Just Plain Sucked

There isn't a whole lot going on right now...

Got some Wii Fit done. My Wii Fit age seems to be staying around 25. I'd like to get it back down to 20. But considering I'm 29, I'm quite pleased with that number.

I'm still remaining hopeful that something will come up. I'm just not thinking it's going to happen. I get these feelings like it is only to be horribly let down.

I'm thinking that my roommate is passive-aggressively letting me know that she's probably going to move out. In a lot of ways, that's perfectly fine. I honestly don't think she places any value on me as a friend. At least that's how it comes across. Maybe it's because I'm the person who actually talks about and deals with problems. She never actually discussed lowering her rent with my SO, she just did it. So, being communicative, not exactly a strong suit.

Yesterday I totally broke down. I'd like to think that I'm a stronger person. I also like to think that I'm a nice person and one who has a good soul. For some reason I just didn't feel it last night. I just started crying for a while. I felt like crepe. And to a certain degree I still do. I think we've figured out a good portion of the problem though, I spend too much time around negative people. I think my SO and myself have come to the conclusion that I need a vacation from the apartment.

I think my problem is that I have a hard time being around people who essentially create their own problems. My roommate is one of those people. She doesn't talk about the problems she's having, trying to get some form of resolve from it. Which is why a lot of her relationships end badly. She's dating someone who smokes and doesn't maintain her ideal of good hygiene. Which, according to her are two deal breakers... so, I think you get a good idea where I'm at.

I hear her complain about him a lot. Or, when he's over, she complains about where he lives. Which means that she has him over a lot. I don't mind having him over, but when they're together I get this crushing negative feeling. One where I just simply do not want to be home anymore. I know I can't deal with this anymore.

Luckily enough, we need to re-negotiate rent at the end of this month. We're going to bump her rent to 40% from the 28% she's been paying (the original amount we agreed upon was 33% which I think she's paid like twice).

*sigh* I know, this sounds all fairly vitriolic. And to a certain degree, I feel that way. I think that the friendship is better off with us just not living together. I like here when I don't have to deal with living together. I'm certain that this happens to a lot of people. You never know someone until you live with them.

Some Days it Doesn't Pay to Chew Through the Leather Straps in the Morning

I'm having one of those days where I feel frustrated with myself. I'm upset that I haven't been hired by anyone yet, despite looking for about a month or so. I'm frustrated with the roomy. She's not paying her fair share (28% when she has 1 of two rooms). And I'm the one who does the dishes and the cleaning. I know, this is something that I complain about often. It's a problem. But it's also something that e can't currently do anything about. That frustrates me. It frustrates me to no end.

That being said, at least I got a bit of good news. We were expecting the rent to go up at the end of this month... and thankfully it's not.

I'm still sending out resumes right and left to get an office assistant job (even though I'm a bit over experienced for that). It's not something that I want to do. It is something that I need to do. I understand that. But I can't not contribute to the household. I know my SO would tell me that I am by cleaning and making food.

I also did get to see the Watchmen this weekend. The SO and I had a nice date night. We had dinner in Japantown and then went to see the Watchmen at the Sundance Kabuki.

I really like that movie theatre. After 4 PM the third floor is 21+ because it becomes a bar with movie theatres at that point. The bar is a bit overpriced ($7 for an appletini). It's no more overpriced then a lot of clubs in the city.

The movie itself was actually quite good. I have some quibbles, that I won't get into here. I'm not sure how many people want to see it but haven't yet. I wish that there was more Rorscach like there was in the movie. It's part of what I liked about the graphic novel. You actually empathize with Rorscach and Dr. Manhattan.

Given the amount of time that they had to do a pretty long and intricate story, I'm not going to complain.

There Are These Moments...

Where I almost wish that the movie had been out longer then it has.

I just finished reading the Watchmene graphic novel. It was actually quite good. I enjoyed it a lot. But now I'm left with the feeling that I want to see the movie.

The downside is that it's probably going to be sold out all weekend.

But instead of being upset about it, instead I'm planning on going to the Comic Book Art Museum in San Francisco and see the Watchmen exhibit. It'll be neat to see all the development stuff. We also might peak at the 25 years of Usagi Yojimbo exhibit.

Maybe if I'm lucky I might get to see Watchmen this weekend.^-^

Another Productive Day...

It feels as though I got a lot done today. I got out some more resumes (something that I try to do on a daily basis). I got some Wii Fit time in there (almost an hour of it). I'm actually a bit proud of myself as far as my weight is concerned. I was sick for two weeks and my body ached too much move let alone do some Wii Fit (a by product of the Mono that I had a few years ago I guess). So, that left me pretty sedentary. And I also started PMSing at the same time. I usually put on a few lbs during my period.

Not only did I not put on any weight. I'm loosing it. This makes me very happy. I usually have problems with loosing weight during my period. The fact that I'm still managing to do so makes me very happy.^-^

I also managed to clean up the apartment as well. So, now I'm taking a well needed break.

*phew*All in all, I think I've gotten a lot done today.

Time Keeps Rolling Along

As time goes on... it seems almost as though one day rolls into another. Eventually, at some point, I don't even remember what day of the week it's supposed to be.

I think I'm at that point of joblessness where you cease to appreciate time the same way. I must say, I'm not a big fan of it. I would rather go back to work.

But I keep plugging away, hoping that I can get a decent job (or at least a decent paying job).

I ran into a friend of mine that I haven't seen in about a year or so at Death Guild on Monday. That was nice. I had left him some things at the camp he was with. It was good to hear that he got them.

But other then that, there isn't much else to talk about. I'm getting interviews... and that's all nice. It would be nice if I have a good interview and they give me a job. I keep hoping for that. I'm trying not to give up hope but as each month passes it becomes increasingly difficult to have that hope. But I try to be cautiously optimistic.

"Well, I like Normal Women."

I've finally managed to kill the Peruvian Death Cold(tm). It took two weeks to stop my body from aching, getting rid of my sore throat and stopping from coughing up a lung. it was not fun. I would most definitely suggest avoiding it any and all cost. It was horrible.

When I get sick, I try to get rid of it ASAP. So, what that usually entails is going out to a club and dancing. Sweating it out usually helps with cutting the duration in half, normally. It didn't quite work this time. Last week was fun and a bit busy. We went to Death Guild Monday night. I did a fair amount of dancing, but didn't really get dressed up at all for any of the clubs I went to. My body felt really tired. I danced as much as I could.

Thursday we went to Meat. I danced less for that namely because it was hard to breathe. I felt as though I had just quit smoking again. I didn't have much lung capacity. I think it's because I was still coughing up crud.

Saturday night we wound up at the Burnal Equinox party in San Francisco. We were there for a few hours and did a lot of walking around. I was dressed in my cyber samurai outfit (one that I need prefect better). Honestly, as far as Burning Man parties go... I wasn't impressed. Usually there are performances and may interactive artwork. But not so much at this. I got to see a trailer for the Watchmen. That was kind of neat. Other then that it was pretty much musicians and over-priced drinks (even by San Francisco club standards).

Sunday was spent wander around Wondercon all day. That was a lot of fun.

Ran into some good friends. We got to hang out all day. Wander around the ginormous vendor room in Moscone Center. I got to meet David Mack (he drew the picture above). This was huge for me. I've been a huge fan of Kabuki. It's the first comic book series that I've always tried to keep up with when I could afford to. The art works is amazing. And as the story progresses and time goes on, it becomes more and more amazing.

I told him that I appreciated how he didn't take the route of making women with tiny waists and big breasts. I appreciate the fact that his women looked normal. And he responded with the quote that I put in the title. He was very friendly. And he loves to please his fans. That was amazing. I got to pick up the latest Kabuki trade... the limited edition one. It's also has a relatively low number (for any collector's out there, you know the value of that).

My SO got to meet the creator of one his favourite comic book series, Usagi Yojimbo. I think all in all he had a geek day in heaven. It probably would be even better if he could have talked to Blair Butler (G4's resident comic book geek). There was some pretty awesome celebrities there as well. I was impressed. They had Carrie Fisher and Mark Hammil there (I had such a *huge* crush on Luke Skywalker when I was a kid). They also had Adam West there. We wanted to have him sign something Family Guy related but the line was insanely long.

Richard Keele was also there. I wish I could have talked to him about Eegah. Most people know him as Jaws from the Bond movies. I know him as Eegah. I wanted to ask what it was like making a movie with Arch Hall, Jr. and Sr.

I think I walked around that hall for 3 hours. And I'm proud of my expenditures. I only wound up getting the limited edition Kabuki. I found a lot of things that I wanted, but I know that I couldn't afford to buy too much.

We topped it off with watching a panel called Spaceship Smack-Down. That was actually more amusing then I thought it would be. At one point they had Capt. Jack Aubrey in charge of the Klingon warship (or whatever it's called). I think I was the only one who got it and laughed. It was actually quite interesting... more then I thought it would be.

All in all, it was a nice weekend. And I am thankful to be feeling better.

Peruvian Death Cold (tm)

I would like to get rid of this nasty cold. I think I might have enough of a voice for my interview today. I've spent a good portion of today hacking.

I'm hoping this cold has a quick and painless demise.

I Had a Dream One Night...

I remember back when I was a kid. There was always one night that I would await every year. it used to be in March. recently they moved it to the 4th Sunday in February. I've always had dreams of winning an Oscar. I always wanted to go up there and accept the award as best actress.

As I grew up, I realized that I wasn't comfortable speaking in front of crowds. I shifted my passion elsewhere. I still have the dream to be the first female director to win best director. I also would love to have my writing acknowledged.

Every year I tune in with the same dreams that I had when I was young. To be up there and not knowing what to say. Coming up with a list of people that have made a major impact on me. Each year I feel a little more defeated.

A part of me regrets giving up my film major. Maybe regret isn't the write word. Wish. I wish I had gotten in to UCLA. I wish I had made the second deadline for USC (especially considering they really wanted me for their writing program). But all this wishing isn't going to change the reality.

It also lights the fire in me to get writing again. I re-ignites the passion I have for screenwriting and film in general. Usually it's a generalized feeling that I have. This year I've already started formulating the story. I have a character background that I wrote a couple of years ago. The more I thought about it last night, the more I formulated what it was I wanted to write and where I wanted to go with it.

Now comes the part of writing that I'm not normally as enthused about. The bare bones construction. Making notes about where I see it going. Coming up with supporting characters. Fleshing out the supporting and main characters. And then the part I love more then anything, writing the actual screenplay.

One of these years I'll be the one up on that stage and accepting that award. That's the mantra I need to tell myself. (Right?)

A Mellow Day

Today was a much needed mellow day after yesterday. I had time to do some Wii Fit and send out more resumes.

After yesterday I feel a bit less confident about finding a job. I'm not going to let that get to me. I'm going to work as hard as I have, if not harder. I realize that it's not likely that I'll find something in this economy, but I'm going to try.

This Day... Too Long

Seriously.

I had 2 job interviews today. Normally, that's not a bad thing. I don't get many in person interviews. So, I'm definitely happy with what I get.

The interview I went to didn't give me much information about the location. They didn't give me a company name or office number. So, I was late because they gave me incomplete information. I had a short PowerPoint test (which was pretty basic really). But the interview was rude and came off almost as hostile. It was an uncomfortable for an interview. And, if this is how they handle interviews, then I'm not entirely sure I want to work in that kind of environment.

I had an interview in San Francisco. I show up with plenty of time to kill. I wound up walking 2 miles in 3 inch heels. I waited 2.5 hours for the interview... only for the woman to not show up. I think she might have been confused when the interview was. Honestly, that's fine. But it kinda put the icing on the already not so fab day I was having.

At least I'm home now under a blanket with the heater on. I was pretty cold when my SO picked me up... so much so I was shivering. My feet are pretty sore as well as my knee. However, I did get a good lunch and some tasty sangria. So, that was good. And I'm nice and cozy now. That is also a plus.

Productive and Tired

I've gotten a lot done today.

Got more resumes out, did some Wii Fit. I lost 1.5 lbs in the past 2 days. Not too shabby. I'm getting close to my goal slowly. This time I'm doing it without starving myself. So, I do feel a bit accomplished on that front.

I'm trying to remain optimistic on the work front. It's hard as every month goes by... but hope spring eternal right? And something feels like it's going to come through.

Other then that... Well, the roommate's coming home from her vacation (or rather, I should say, our vacation from her). In the time that she's been gone, we've been able to clean everything up. She sleeps most of the day and expects us to keep as quite as possible. So, I'm glad that we could finally clean up.

Other then that... I'm going to take some time to finish the first novella in Night Watch and relax for the rest of the afternoon.

I also feel accomplished because I managed to successfully make some Jumbalaya that's low fat and tasty.^-^ It's been a pretty productive week.

Ever Have One of Those Days...

You know, the kind of day that makes you want to cut off contact from everybody.

Yeah, I'm having one of those days.

Weird Dreams

Every now and then I get some really bizarre and disturbing dreams. They're not necessarily nightmares... They're just off somehow.

I once had one that was about a nuclear bomb going off. It had to do with me being strong enough to survive and thrive from that situation.

I had another one last night. This time it wasn't cut into non-sensible bits.

This time it was one long dream. I was at Death Guild (since I like going dancing there every Monday). For some reason (a reason that I can't even begin to understand) it was being held on a tall ship. There was a lot of people there. All dancing. I was hanging out with some friends who happened to be vending that night.

An ex-BF of mine (the most abusive of my BFs) walked in. He looked like he was looking for someone and wasn't going to stop until they found them. I mean, he used any means necessary to get to them, including beating up people to get information and threatening to kill them. It turns out that he was looking for me. After a while of me dancing. I went back to sitting down with my friends. He came up to me trying to play all coy. He acted like he was trying to act nice so I would get back together with him. he even pointed out that he had a nail in his shoe. I told him he should take it out. But anything more then that I wasn't willing to give him. At one point he got so angry with me that he threatened to kill every one in the club.

Then I got a flash of everyone lying down on the deck of the ship. He has a hold of me and won't let go. I have one arm free so I can grab a near by rope (my life line as it were). I felt as though he was going to kill me because I chose to get out of that situation. That he would be willing to beat me with in an inch of my life. I took the rope and looped it around his neck and pulled. I kept pulling until he fell to the deck himself. And I was crying.

I'm curious as to what this dream is about.

I know that if he and I share any friends, he typically slanders me until the other person wants nothing to do with me. Luckily he doesn't know many of my friends. He's still angry that I left. But I had to. It was after 3 years of him belittling me and verbally abusing me that I decided I had to leave. What I wanted in a relationship he wasn't giving me.

Even after leaving him, he still tried to get back together with me... Even to the point that he would talk shit about me to friends. He's still doing it to this very day.

*shrugs* I still have no idea what the significance of this dream is.

Man, do I have some weird dreams.

Woooooooo! *thud*

I've been out most of this morning. I had another job interview this morning. This time for a photo studio. I would love to have that job.

The interview felt like it went really well. He even said that he had to cut the interview shorter because the next interview came in. Otherwise, I think we would have talked for like well over an hour. I think that he liked my personality. We certainly had common ground because we both went to art schools. And we both can appreciate how much work it takes to finish a degree in art school.

I feel pretty confident about it. Not 100% sure, but I feel good about it. It's part-time to start but there's a huge possibility that I could wind up helping with other things in the studio. I think he liked that I did have both office skills and other skills pertinent to photography as well.

I haven't been sleeping to well. My SO has been getting over something. He hasn't been sleeping very well because of coughing. I too haven't been sleeping well for the same reason. So, I'm a little tired. But at least it's Friday so we can get some sleep.

I've been reading the Watch series (the same series the movies "Night Watch" and "Day Watch" were based off of). I like it. I like the fact that the author doesn't seem to put a lot of descriptions for the characters. It allows for you to visualize the character how you will. Unfortunately, I keep picturing Anton from the movies (see above). So far I haven't been given much of a visual impression. That being said... I don't mind that so much. It's a well written book. I already want to go back to the book. I also want to go and watch "Night Watch" again. I agreed to watch it again after I finish the first novella.^-^

"But I Want an Umpa Loompa NOW Daddy!"

Out of boredom I decided to watch "My Super Sweet Sixteen".

MTV decided to do a show showcasing nice Sweet Sixteen parties (or Bar/Bat Mizvahs or Quinces or eighteenth or twenty-first birthday parties). Which is all fine and dandy... until you listen to the girls who are having the parties. When they get married, I imagine them being on Bridezilla.

All of them are rich. I have no problem with rich girls, if they temper it with a certain amount of humility. I think I've only seen two birthdays that didn't devolve into Veruca Salt pouting about not getting an Umpa Loompa.

Is it necessary to throw such a fit when you don't get what you want when you want it?

Then it makes me wonder about their character. Working and knowing what it's like to do without makes a person. That way, when you finally get something it's worth it. It's more then worth it and it makes you cherish it all that much more. it also give you an appreciation for the cost of things.

And in a lot of ways, I feel sorry for these people. It's going to be difficult for them to live on their own. If mommy and daddy are always paying for them, how will they learn what it means to earn something. In a lot of ways I think something is more important to you when you know that you've earned it as opposed to having it given it to you.

Maybe that's where I differ. I'm not a huge fan of people who feel self-entitled. They feel like they deserve it because they are who the are and not for what they've done. When all is said and done, a name is just a name. But if you've made a positive impact on the world, then that will last forever.

Food Intolerance

Some people can eat anything... and in many was I envy them. Well, at least to a certain degree.

But I get a lot of flack from my family because I can't eat red meat. I can't even eat anything that's been cooked on the same surface as red meat. If I do I get very ill. If I eat red meat I get as white as a sheet. I can't even eat one of my favoritest meals ever, corned beef and cabbage.

My family doesn't understand that I stopped eating it because it started making me feel sick. This was before there was a dearth of information about red meat not being the main meal. I have been incapable of eating red meat for 13 years. I cut it out of my diet then.

So, I've been happier not eating red meat. I've found ways to work around red meat. Most things that require red meat can be made with turkey or chicken. And the things that I can't are things like steak and I never really missed it in the first place. My only exception to that being corned beef.

I've even expanded my horizons considerably since I first decided to not eat red meat. I now eat fish more then I used to. I must say that that is an acquired taste. I used to not like the flavor. But now... I don't mind it so much. I even made a tasty (and healthy) crab meal the other night. However, crab is something that I'll use sparingly as a meal seeing how even for a half pound of lump crab from Whole Foods (where I normally go for my meat and veggies because they're organic with no hormones and no genetic engineering) is $12.99. That's still cheaper then Safeway where it's about $19-$20 for a half pound.

But I digress.

I still run into issues with my family and red meat. Even if I say it's OK to make fish or something. Maybe one day they'll accept that I'm not a huge fan of red meat.

Bacon on the other hand...^_~

A Quickie

I'm doing a quickie post.

I'm feeling very sleepy right now. Between going out dancing last night and Wii Fit, I feel pretty tired.

And I still get to go out shopping and get dinner.

Overall, it's been a pretty productive day.

Today's Adventure

I was awaken earlier then I was supposed to be by my roommate who's now out of town for almost 2 weeks.

I had a 9:30 interview. I went online and checked for a way to get to the interview via public transport.

Oh what a fiasco that turned out to be.

The information I got was completely wrong. I was told to get off of BART at 16th St. and Mission. Which was where I was supposed to be able to pick up MUNI line 28.

The problem with this, MUNI line 28 goes nowhere near Mission. It goes through Park Persidio , over by the Golden Gate Bridge and to Daly City BART...

So, nowhere near where I was told to go.

I spent an hour on several buses to find that out. I didn't find that out until I was at Daly City BART looking at a map of San Francisco with the MUNI bus lines on it.

Luckily, I had told the person that I was interviewing with that I was having problems getting there. He called me back and I asked if I could reschedule because I got hopelessly lost. By the time I had it sorted out it was almost 10. Unfortunately that's a bit unacceptable for being late.

I also learned that I should have gone with my gut instinct to have gotten off at Daly City BART instead of going to Mission.

And while I hate missing appointments that I set. I'm not that upset about missing this one. It was a temporary job. And I have a gut feeling that I really wouldn't enjoy it either.

However, I do like an adventure. And I learned exactly how to get to SF State from Daly City BART if I wind up going there to finish my degree... Now all I need is to figure out how to get to the University of San Francisco.^-^

A Checkered Past

Most people can look at their childhoods with a certain amount of fondness.

Sure, there are things that were great about childhood. Almost enough for me to look back at it with a certain amount of nostalgia. Hell, I think almost everyone does.

But a lot of that nostalgia is tempered by horrible truths. Things that are hard to deal with sometimes. Things that left me emotionally damaged for some time. Things that made it a bit difficult at times.

I don't know if I would say that I had a harder childhood then most people... but I would say that it was pretty hard.

I was abused up until the age of 16, both physically and emotionally. I was molested by the age of 2. I was raped by the age of 13. My mom had her own demons to fight. That took her out of my life for a few years. This was after repeated attempts to take her own life.

Of course, I don't blame her for my life. For a good portion of my childhood she had to her own fight against something that can't be controlled by will alone. That's hard. My grandfather (her father) died when I was younger. This certainly helped speed things along.

My dad was in a motorcycle accident before I was born. He was wearing a helmet, but the helmet cracked in two. He was in a semi-coma for 2 weeks. That left him with some pretty serious damage. He had to take care of my sister for a while with little help from my mom. Unfortunately, he didn't know the best way to deal with two children. My sister was keen on placing the blame on me. I used to take the beatings.

While my mom was in the hospital, my sister and I were staying at my mom's ex-best friend's. She liked beating the eldest daughter. She beat her own eldest daughter. And she would beat me. One night I was arguing with her daughter. She thought the best way to take care of it would be to duct tape our mouths shut. When I had the flu, I was forced to sleep on a drafty living room floor. It was hard to live there.

Then my mom met my step dad (my mom and dad got divorced shortly after my grandpa died). And he was emotionally abusive. He would call me a stupid, ugly, fat bitch. I was consistently, emotionally beaten down. And there wasn't much that I could do about it. There was nowhere else I could go. I could go to live with my dad... but my mom had custody of my sister and I.

Maybe that sounds like an excuse. And perhaps it is.

But by that time, I had no self-esteem. I didn't know that family's weren't supposed to be that way. So, I kept it all inside.

In this time frame I was raped. And I kept that inside. I kept inside until it started eating away at myself. And one day I couldn't sleep anymore. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't. And I didn't know why.

I went to see a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD from rape trauma.

The rape was brutal. And while there wasn't much physical injury from it. I was forced by a guy twice my size who was known to carry a knife at all times to give him oral sex. I couldn't move. I couldn't back away. He overpowered me and nearly drowned me for his sexual gratification. This was by the age of 13.

After I started actively dating, I sought out abusive and manipulative men. After all, how was I to know differently. The pinnacle was someone who I'll refer to as DB (I don't like using proper names of people, just to be fair to them). He was manipulative and terribly emotionally abusive. While I was with him he made me feel as though it were my stepfather. He would make me feel bad when I would get dressed up. He would intentionally start arguments with me in public and then make me feel bad because I would get upset. He stifled me.

I had people tell me that they noticed a huge difference in me when I was with him. That I wasn't the same vibrant person. That he had somehow managed to dim my light.

But so did that group of friends.

After 3 years, I broke up with him. I had made decision about my life that I was comfortable with. I started learning more about myself. I had ample free time (I still had issues with insomnia for many years after therapy). So, I started learning more about myself.

But that's not where it ended.

After no longer seeing anyone in that circle of friends, I decided that it was best if I cut off all ties. I didn't feel comfortable with them. They caused drama for drama's sake. They liked having something to talk bad about to make themselves feel better. I got tired of the cycle and called it quits with the lot of them.

And that's when I started getting more comfortable with my own skin. This was after I met people who were happy to let me be me. I discovered what it was that they thought about me while at Burning Man 2004. I spent copious time out, without them. And made a new circle of friends. People who I was free to be myself around. To be the goofy, geeky and sometimes outrageous woman that I am. It was empowering. All because I walked into a bar at Burning Man in 2004.

I took a year to myself. I didn't date anyone. I spent time in self-contemplation. And I learned a lot about myself. I learned what I wanted out of life for myself. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I was keeping myself in a self-perpetuating loop. I was putting myself into abusive relationships. The only person who could break free from them was myself.

And that's precisely what I did. I took the time and processed my life. I spent a lot of lonely nights thinking about it. And the longer I took, the less it hurt. The more comfortable that I was in my skin. But I had to learn what my own skin was.

Of People and Ownership

There are certain things that I don't quite understand. And I claim that because I definitely have a different way of looking at the world, especially where relationships are concerned. I'm typically less clingy and possessive of my significant others.

So, I don't understand the mentality of calling someone "my man" or "my girl". While it might seem like a term of endearment of sorts, to me it just feels creepy.

Maybe it's because it almost seems like you finally won a person of specified gender in an auction like a slave. To me it comes across like you view them more as a possession rather than someone whom you're having a relatively intimate relationship with. So much so that it surpasses friendship status.

Now, I have a significant other. This is someone who I would consider a friend and lover. Someone who I enjoy spending copious amounts of time with. And while I'll use the statement my significant other, it doesn't seem to take on the same significance as calling him "my man". He's mine in the extent that we're sharing an intimate relationship that's not being shared with anybody else. But other then that... I don't know. It doesn't come across as being possessive. It's simply a statement of fact.

Perhaps it's the the fact that the term used isn't my boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, lover, life partner, partner, etc. But only specifying the gender of the person that is what creeps me out. It almost sounds like this person is a set of genitalia and nothing more significant.

For some reason that phrase just gets under my skin.

The Rare Sunday Posting

I figured I'd actually attempt to post on Sunday... for once. I usually take a break on Sundays. You know how that goes every now and then.

I figured since I was at the Lizzle (DNA Lounge... oh, the things you come up with drinking sangria, right?) that I would do a non-quickie non-slogging post.

Me and my SO are seeing Combichrist. I'm not terribly bowled over by the opening bands.But Combichrist always puts on a good show. I like putting effort out and going to see bands. If I like them enough to buy an album, I should throw down the funds to see them live.

Needless to say, I'm enjoying myself. However, the keyboard I'm typing leaves something left to be desired... LOL.

More tomorrow... I promise.

Beginning to Slog Through the Mire

As I stated before, I'm surprised that I've turned out how I have. It certainly wasn't the easy path. Of course, the easy path is to use or lash out violently. Coming from all different kinds of abuse is always difficult. Breaking free of it is even harder.

As I think back, I have a hard time thinking of a time where I wasn't in some form of an abusive situation. The only exception to that is where I am now.

Dealing with the issues that comes from abuse are hard. It took a lot of mistakes on my behalf. After I was old enough to get into relationships I went into one abusive relationship after the other. It wasn't until I took a year to re-assess what I really wanted out of life; and what I wanted out of relationships that I was finally able to end the cycle. I seriously looked at what sort of people I was involved with. I wound up cutting out a good portion of my friends because they were "drama". Essentially, they derived great pleasure from backstabbing each other and being malicious. It was a cycle that I felt stuck in because I was afraid to just walk away. I wanted to feel accepted. And like many who were abused thinks that being treated like crap equates acceptance.

I hadn't realized that I didn't really like myself to stay in that situation.

It wasn't until I wound up being broken up with (and to a certain extent breaking up with) two of the people in that circle that I took the time to learn about me.

I didn't actually start learning about myself until Burning Man 2004. It was also the first time that I felt like I was allowed to be myself. I didn't have to wear a mask to hide behind. It was also the first time that anyone actually accepted me for me and not something I wasn't. I felt free for once in my life.

I'll expound on this some more. But I'll leave it at this, this life has been a long and difficult road to walk.

Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House

There are very few things that touch a raw nerve in me. But remembering things that I went through sometimes takes the wind out of my sails.

Watching someone trying to kick and fail heroin hits me hard.

I've had a hard childhood. I don't know if I would say that it was more difficult then most. I was abused both physically and emotionally for 16 years. I was raped twice. I also had abusive relationships up until I said I had enough of the bull and the drama in 2004. In the whole scheme of things, I've come a long way. I should have either been a convict or a drug addict.

And I had seriously thought about it while I was in high school. It was just after I was raped the first time. I had thought about actually doing heroin. I did all the research (since I'm a research nut). I knew all of hte risks of doing heroin. And while I could have gotten it pretty easily... I decided to tell the person offering me it no.

But then I started watching Celebrity Rehab. I know people who do a gross amount of drugs (namely MDMA). And while they won't admit that they have problems, they do. And probably problems they should see a counselor or therapist about.

But I digress.

The last season of Celebrity Rehab featured a guy named Steven Adler. He was the drummer for Guns N Roses for "Appetite for Destruction" and "Lies". He was kicked out of the band for drug and alcohol abuse. He had a serious drug problem. He hadn't a day sober since he was 11 years old. He had serious problems with his family. Something that I can empathize with deeply. He was sober for a month.

Then they decided to show what happens after rehab. Hence the show Sober House. It's to show the next step after rehab. And Steven shows up high... back on heroin. And I flash back to when I was in high school. And it brings tears to my eyes. It's hard for me to watch it. Namely because I was very cloe to being that person myself. Except, I probably would be dead by now. There's a lot of psychology behind it. I'll get to it another night.

I just feel as though I need to write through this.

To this day, given my background and personal history, almost everyone I know says that I'm lucky that I'm as well adjusted as I am.

I think I might write more on this tomorrow.

Me and my Wii Fit

I've been using my Wii Fit off and on since I got it at the beginning of December. I've learned some interesting things since I've started using it.

For instance, my body contains a lot of muscle tissue... more then I was even aware I had. And I'm in better shape now then I have ever been in my life.

I have far more stamina now then I have ever had. I've danced for an hour at a time without pause. I don't think I've ever done that. I'm also capable of running longer distances then I have before. This is unusual for me. I have knee problems and when I was in high school I couldn't run the mile because it would hurt my knees immensely. I used to take an 11-12 minutes mile. And now I'm running it a lot quicker then that.

So, it leads me to think that it's really working. I look leaner and am slowly loosing weight (hence the statement that I have a lot of muscle tissue. Of course, part of the not loosing so much weight thing for the past week is due to my period. Which is not entirely surprising... any woman can understand how hard it is to loose weight at that time of the month; but as it passes, I'm actually dropping that weight.

Who would have ever thought that weight loss and fitness could be this fun.^-^

Interesting Mix of Good and Bad

I've been feeling a bit down since Monday night. I think maybe it's because I feel as though I look old and so on.

Of course, this could all be because it's that wonderful time of the month that all woman enjoy. I start feeling moody and occasionally down on myself. It might just be the hormones speaking.

*shrugs* Who knows.

It seems to be trying to rain. Which is good. I'm looking forward to the rain. We certainly need it in California. They were already saying that it looks like the state would be in a serious drought this year. I would like for that to not be true. Plus, I like rain.

I had a phone interview yesterday. I think it went pretty well. It's definitely a place that I wouldn't mind working. It would be an office manager position, but it would be for a music school. That was pretty awesome. Hopefully I did well enough to make it to the in person interview.

Other then that... life keeps movin' along. I still need to finish up the shirt I'm sewing. One of these days... and hopefully soon. I would like to find a pants pattern because I have some neat fabric that looks a bit like mummy fabric that I would like to make a pair of pants out of.

With Great Optimism

This might sound silly or what have you, but I get these really good feelings. And generally, they're attached to something positive happening somewhere in my life. It's something that I like having and at the same time... not so much.

But it nice to have a good feeling, right?

I've been putting out resumes right and left. I put out something like 15 resumes a day, every other day. So, in sheer volume alone, I should have something work out for me, right? Well, I think it's starting to little by little.

I got a response for a brief phone interview tomorrow. It would be for a position as an Office Manager for a music school. I would love to work at a music school. I've got a bit of experience with musicians. Almost everyone on my mom's side of the family has been involved to some extent with music (myself included, I sing). I'm trying not to get too excited about this. I don't want to get my hopes up about having the job and then not get it. But it feels good to be getting out there again and interviewing.

I'm also happy to be able to go out dancing at least weekly. It's something that I've always enjoyed. It's a fun release.

I've been thinking of going out and riding my biker recently. I was thinking about doing it today, but days when I put out my resume aren't the best day for it. So, I did my normal Wii Fit routine of jogging for 20 minutes, doing some strength training (which is definitely helping with the toning) and finishing up with some yoga. I do need to get back into hooping. I haven't went out with my hoop in a bit and I miss it. I also miss spending time with my LED poi and working on not hitting myself with them.

But all I can do right now is hope and keep working to getting a new job that I would love.

Never Thought I'd See This Happen

After doing some of my weekly tidying I thought that I would get some air and walk to Chipotle and get me some lunch.

I checked to make sure that I actually had money in my pocket. Luckily enough, I did.

I thought I had one more dollar then I did. And when I was going to pay it turned out that I was just under a dollar short. I asked the girl to take the drink off because I was just going to go home and eat it. Instead she just charged me for the drink. She said that the bowl would be on her.

That bowled me over. It's been some time since I've seen someone do such an act of charity. I wasn't expecting that. It totally caught me by surprise. Usually they'll just take off the extra object.

It was nice.

Now I feel like I should go there and buy two bowls or burritos or something. Because that was the kindest thing that I've had done for me by someone who was a complete stranger.

That totally bowled me over.^-^

Nice Day in the Neighbourhood

Now, I usually have a schedule I stick to. I read my morning things, I do Wii Fit and then I make myself a sammich.

But I've been getting increasingly bored with that routine. You can only do that for so long before it just becomes dull. So today I decided to do something different. I went for a walk around my neighbourhood. The weather in California's been unseasonably warm... so why not take the time outside.

So, I went out for a bit of a walk with a camera and took some pictures. It was a nice day for it. I got some pictures of a couple of labs playing fetch in the lagoon with their owner and a crane eating bugs in some grass. The place where I live has a lot of waterways. It's a lovely location. And I ended the walk by picking up some Vietnamese food and played with my cat.

I do enjoy getting some pictures around the lagoons. I think I might at least make the walk a weekly occurrence while the weather is still inclement.

Becoming More Self-Fulfilled

I've been trying to loose weight for the past 3 years. I got very sick 3 years ago and couldn't really move. I put on a lot of weight in that time. And I've been struggling to loose it.

The entire time I've been trying to loose the weight for me.

But it's been one step forward, two steps back.

Up until recently I always have had problems with maintaining the weight loss. Once winter comes, it's too cold to go out to the gym and I, like many others, wind up putting on holiday weight. Of course, there's also the holiday stress which was compounded with getting everything together for our trip to Philly. And my birthday also falls near the holidays. Next year it falls on Thanksgiving. And my grandma *always* puts together a really awesome sweets table.

So, all of these factors helps add on the pounds.

And then I got a pretty bad cold when I got back from Philadelphia (possibly a combination of flying and it being much colder in Philly then here). But I have to say, I was pretty proud of myself. I only put on 2 pounds. So, while I did have the tasty, tasty goodness I didn't splurge and eat too much. Plus the days we spent walking around Philly also helped.

But recently I've been feeling a lot better about myself. Ever since I've been working on the Wii Fit I've been a lot better about getting tone. Much better then I was going to the gym. I'm thinking of stopping my gym membership after 1 year and getting a YMCA pass for the pool and possibly getting a Tai Chi class... though my gym is offering belly dancing... Hmmm.

But I digress.

I've been feeling much better about myself and my stamina is much better then it's been since I quit smoking. I think I spent 2 hours straight dancing on Monday night. I think I feel more healthy now then I have ever in my entire life.

And I look leaner too.

I must say that I'm happy with where I'm going.

Now if only I can get a job that I would find fulfilling. I think that's all I need right now to be truly happy. I have everything else that I need.^-^

Curious Case of the Roommate (A Moment of Venting)

I know that everybody has this problem at some point. Almost everyone deals with roommates at some point. Some times the situation can be fairly rewarding. But often times it can take a turn southward. My situation is consistently south.

Me and my SO have a roommate. She's been a friend of mine for many years. And I get along great with her... until we agreed to take her in as a roommate.

They say that you never really know someone until you live with them. Man oh man, is that true.

At first it was OK. Then about a month later she decided to cut her rent. No asking if it were OK because she's fallen on hard times or anything (because she wasn't). She just cut it. She claimed that she should pay for her square footage. She has one of two bedrooms. She has the covered parking spot to protect her precious BMW. She doesn't clean her own dishes and doesn't do nice things like buy paper towels or toilet paper.

*deep breath*

Normally, I don't mind someone not paying as much because they're offering some other service as payment. I'm a big fan of the bartering system. We used to have a housemate who couldn't afford to pay us rent, but he offered to do all of the housework and occasionally buy us nice things like food or booze. That was fine. We could manage the rent on our own at that point and neither of us like housework. And to this day, when he comes over to hang or what have you he still does it. He doesn't have to. He just chooses to.

But our current housemate...

*sigh*

Yeah.

I usually do all of the housework. I'm fairly meticulous and like to find things. The one time she managed to clean then house I couldn't find anything for months. Even to this day I'm still looking for things. She actually did some housework after gypping us on rent... 5 months after moving. The reasoning behind it, she was dating a guy who was over at our apartment all the time without asking or mentioning it for some time. Hell, I didn't even know who he was for a week.

And I've noticed this trend. She never really puts too much effort into cleaning, until she's in a "relationship" with someone (I'll clarify the quotes later). I think the psychology behind it is this: she wants to prove to random guy X that she happens to be dating that she's a good homemaker and therefore he should marry her. Otherwise, she never offers to clean... ever.

Why did I put the word relationship in quotes? Because, while it is a relationship, it usually lasts about 6 months. There are a few reasons for this. She's horrible with communication. She expects the guy to know what she wants out of a relationship. The reality of the fact is that that is not how it works. I think anyone who is in a relationship for any amount of time (say, longer the 6 month litmus mark) knows that you have to compromise and work and communicate to keep the relationship going. And she's got two guys she's working on. Normally, I don't mind at all. Hey, as long as everyone is on the up and up about a situation, then all's fair. But she's seeing two guys right now. Neither of them knows about the other. And one guy she's pretty much keeping so he can buy her things. Which is a shame because both guys are really nice.

So, I have a feeling that there's going to be some drama in my house. Because this type of situation can only last for so long before it blows up in your face.

Why do I put up with this?

Simple, we can't afford not to. I'm working on getting a new job and living on the Peninsula is expensive.

Hopefully I'll get a new job soon and will no longer have to deal with it.

Re-Gaining an Old Passion

I occasionally pick up screenwriting magazines. I keep everyone that I pick up because they always have nice tips and stories to help when you're in a jam writing.

I was reading an article written by the man who penned "Milk". And while I was reading it I thought about the 4 story ideas that I have mulling around my head. They're ideas that I came up with about a year ago. I still remember each one.

I had put writing on the back burner for a while.

But now... Now I really want to get back to writing. I miss it. I miss it a lot. And if I had my way, I'd sit and write all day. I've done that before. I would sit and write for 8 hours straight. And since I have these stories that I would like to put down on paper, maybe now's the time.

It certainly gives me something to do in between looking for a new job.

Still Plugging Away

I've been brainstorming lately. Part of it is what I can do to keep the Japanese fresh in my brain. And the other is what job I can do, that I would enjoy and would allow me to finish my degree.

I've decided that the best thing I to keep up my Japanese knowledge would be to register in a community college and re-take the upper level classes. Not because I can get any additional units from it, but just to keep it fresh in my head until I can get the money together to pay for school... or at least part of it. I think I might do that. It's something that I would need to discuss with my SO, but I think that's something we might be able to do.

I've been hitting the job listings again. I took the month of December off. There's a reason for that. When I worked at a staffing agency December was the slowest month. It was slow namely because Most businesses are gearing down for the holidays. Many businesses are closed the week of Xmas and New Year's. I also knew that I would be going out of town for a week. So, putting your resume out and having someone call you for an interview when you're out of town, probably not such a good idea.

I found some things that intrigue me. But is it something that I'm going to want to do as something I enjoy? And I'm not sure many of the jobs are going to be things that I would find fulfilling. But I'm still going to look and apply. Something will come up. I am confident that it will.

So, the thinking and planning continues.

Kickin' It Philly Style

I recently got back from visiting my SO's family in Philadelphia.

It's the first time that I had been in Pennsylvania for any amount of time longer then a weekend. Most of the week was filled by doing things with his family. That was a bit nerve wracking. It was mostly his mother's side of the family. I had met his father's family the previous year.

I think I was well received... I think. One can never be sure of how one is received.

Needless to say, we didn't have a whole lot of free time to explore. OK, well it would be exploring for me. He was raised in Philly and would give me tour of places he would go when he was a child. It was nice.

His family lives two blocks from the Philadelphia Art Museum. This is the same museum they filmed for Rocky. In front there's a statue of Sylvester Stalone in boxing shorts. It's a huge tourist draw. This was mostly noticed at how many people were at the top of the stairs doing the Rocky triumph pose. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures. I was trying to get a picture of Ben Franklin Parkway without people right in front of my camera.

All in all, we had a good time. We got see some friends who we don't normally get a chance to see due to the fact that they live across the country from us.

I think one of the most memorable things to happen was Wednesday, 31.December. It actually snowed. I was assured by many people that the weather's slightly colder then the San Francisco winter. Of course, that week it was bitterly cold.

Finally on Wednesday it got down to about 19-20 degrees out. I'm not sure how cold it was with the wind. As we were heading to the bus stop (we were planning on heading out to Old City), we noticed white flakes on the breeze. I figured it could be something like plum blossoms or some flower that blooms in the winter. But it started happening more often. By the time we got to the bus stop, I got a chance to look at what had collected on my jacket. It was very distinct snow flakes.

This took everyone by surprise.

I had to get a picture of this. So, once we got to Old City, I snapped a pic of my SO in front of Independence Hall with a light layer of snow dusting the grass in front of the hall.

Opening Note... a Mission Statement

I have long thought about starting a journal some place in order to chronicle various things in my life. I do have other blogging sites that I could turn to, I'm just not sure of interest.

I figured that I would start out fresh seeing as this is the beginning of a new year. I've decided to write here.

Now, what might I be covering...

I'm not quite sure. I've been thinking of telling the tale of someone who is desperate to finish their schooling and make something more of their life. The truth is, that's a tale that almost everyone can tell.

I guess I can start by spilling some information about myself.

I'm almost 30 (I turn 30 in November). I've always beat myself up over the fact that I've not finished my Bachelor's. I have a passion for many things in life... a lot of which falls in to the creative line. I love music, film, photography, dancing, art, etc.

I occasionally fancy myself a writer. I've been told that's what I should be doing with my life. And while the thought of having a career as a writer intrigues me, I have no idea on where to start. What I would love to do is to have a screenplay that I wrote shot by a major studio. Now, no matter how much I want that, realistically speaking, that's simply not going to happen. So, I'm going to to keep on writing, because it's something that I do truly enjoy.

But I have set my sites else where.

I took Japanese on a lark. I watch a lot of Japanese movies and so forth. I also have a love for learning new languages. So, I figured that I would take Japanese to be another language that I could understand.

What I did not plan on was that I would truly enjoy the experience. I fell in love with the Japanese language. And while I still have my dreams to be a screenwriter, I think I found something else that I can do and I'm fairly decent at as well. I've done better in Japanese then I have in any other non-Latin based language. I thrived.

I think I found something else that I am completely capable of doing.

And now I have a desire to finish what I started. I've taken two years of Japanese. And now I want to go on to a four year university and get my degree in Japanese.

So, you might be asking yourself, where am I going with this...

Well, that's what this blogs about. It's about me working and struggling. Sometimes I'll succeed and sometimes I'll fail. That is the essence of life. But I would like to chronicle my journey to achieving my first degree in a language that I'm a complete outsider to.

Hopefully those of you who read this will find this enjoyable.

Thank you to those who would like to be along for the ride.